Phoenix
by noirlail8
Summary: Amanda Rollins is strong, she's independent and she's gone through much in her life. But this time, she's been put to the test and she will need to reborn from the ashes in order to live again. (Rollaro friendship; romance in later chapters)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hello! This is my new story! I've almost finished writing it, but it might take a while for me to post it. I'll try to post a chapter per week, but I don't want to make any promises since I've been having a lot of work lately.

Also, I don't know how many chapters this story is going to be, but most likely, they are going to be more than ten.

This story is set after 'Gambler's Fallacy' and before 'Criminal Stories' which mean, Amanda and Nick are not together (yet) :)

Thanks for reading. I hope you like this story, if you have the chance, do let me know your thoughts on it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Phoenix**

**Chapter 1**

The air was cool against his face. The night was so dark that he could barely see where he was walking, the light of a flashlight would've been nice, but he couldn't risk being spotted. Either way, he didn't actually need it, since he knew the place like the back of his hand. He had been coming on several occasions for the last couple of nights. He has known the importance of getting acquainted with the area in order for his plan to work.

Walking alone in the middle of the night, he looked down at the precious cargo in his arms as his lips curled into a winning smile. Who would've thought that he, an average man was going to accomplish such goal? No, he shook his head. He was not average at all, on the contrary, he was superb. Only an extremely intelligent person-_such as himself_- would've pulled the brilliant plan that he did without raising any suspicion.

Taking a deep long, breath, he stopped a minute to think about his plan as he held on tight to his precious cargo. He didn't want to let go of her, but he knew it was necessary, or else, she would never have the chance to prove herself to him. How else would he know that his precious bird is really worthy of his love? No, he shook his head from left to right in rapid successions. That wasn't an option, of course she was the one! He had chosen her right this time, he even went to great lengths to make sure of it. Moreover, she had proven it once and again during the past couple of weeks. He couldn't and _shouldn't_ doubt it. This precious bird is his one and only, she is the one that is meant to be with him forever, but before he could take her for himself, his bird needed to pass one last test. He shrugged in anticipation as he continued walking. He was sure that his bird was going to pass the test, after all, it was just a minor requirement that he knew will be accomplished without further problems. He had seen her, his bird has overcome tougher tests, both before and during the time she spent with him. Even when, he paused one more time and tilted his head to the side, he wasn't sure if the time they had together should be considered as a test, since he knew it was highly enjoyed by her. The first days she had fought him with everything in her, but he knew she had liked it.

The only thing that bothered him was that, his bird might not remember clearly what they lived together; the drugs in her system would probably block most of their glorious memories. Which is why he came up with such a clever and easy test. It would both help her remember him and prove herself at the same time. Once she passed it, he would come back for her so they could be together for a lifetime, as he knew they were meant to be.

Finally, he came to a full stop and, casting one last glance to his surroundings, he laid his bird down gently on the ground. He didn't want her to get hurt –she was a bit broken already, but he knew she would be able to put all her pieces back together in no time, she was strong like that. His bird looked so beautiful with her eyes closed, perfect lashes resting on her porcelain cheeks. He ran one gloved hand over her beautiful face, moving the loose strands of hair out of the way so he could look at her properly. He leaned to kiss her, but he stopped abruptly midway_. Stupid!_ He chastised himself! He couldn't be so careless! No, he just patted her cheek before walking away, leaving her in the cold of the night. Very carefully, he went back on his tracks, making sure to get rid of any footprints and any evidence that he might've left on his way. He didn't want to be caught. His bird would know though, but he didn't want to make it easy for her or her team to find him, he is the one who has the final word on how the game will end, when the time comes to collect what belongs to him.

* * *

Shadows, all she could see were blurred shadows. It was like trying to see something underneath the water.

Slowly, she tried to open her eyes properly, shying away from the immense pain that it caused as she felt like being pulled into an abyss. She closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing. When she opened her eyes for the third time, the shadows solidified, they seemed to be dancing around her, growing up and down as they moved, like when someone danced around a fire pit. She loved fire. It reminded her back when she was a little girl and was watching a movie with her baby sister. 'The Secret Garden', the kids were dancing around a fire pit, trying hard to bring back the absent father. But she knew it was just a memory, right now, there was no couch, no sister and no movie.

She soon felt the cold and hard surface she was lying on, as the smell of wet grass filled her nostrils. She must be on the outside.

She tried to stand up, but all she could do was to come to a sitting position. After a few moments, she started taking in her surroundings as she finally looked properly at the trees around her, the branches and leaves swaying with the cold wind of the early morning, her fire dancers.

Overwhelmed by a stabbing pain in her head, she placed her hand to her forehead and was startled to the sensation of wetness near her hairline. Looking at her hand, she gasped as she noticed her fingers covered in blood. Her entire body ached and she quickly ran a hand over her entire body, looking for other injuries. She felt the overwhelming need to know why. As she moved her hands, she felt, rather than saw, the cuts and scrapes in her neck and wrists. She felt that some of her ribs were broken, but what startled her the most was to feel a deep cut in her midsection. She immediately took off her jacket and tied it around the injury as tight as she could in an attempt to stop the bleeding. That's when she realized the clothes she had on. She was wearing lycra pants, a top and of course, a jacket, none of the items she seemed to recognize as hers, though. And where were her shoes? The outfit looked like the one she would wear for her running routine, but, why would she dress for a run and forget to put her shoes on? She knit her brows in confusion. It didn't make sense.

Looking at her hands, she noticed they were deeply hurt, there was some dried blood on her knuckles and some of her fingernails were missing. _Where had she been?_ Had she been burglarized or into a fight? Had she fallen? No, she decided there was no way she had sustained those injuries from a fall, as she knew them very well, they looked more like the ones she saw in some of their victims on a regular basis, they were defensive wounds.

She closed her eyes tightly and tried hard to shake the confusion that overwhelmed her. She didn't know where she had been or what had happened to her.

Opening her eyes, she tried to reach for her cell phone, but she soon realized that she didn't have it with her.

The bleeding in her abdomen hadn't fully stopped and she feared for the worst as she felt darkness threatening to overcome her. She started breathing fast. She couldn't lose consciousness, she needed to get some help. She was very weak and she knew it was a matter of time before she passed out, as she felt some air caught in her throat. She didn't have much time left .

With the little strength she had, she crawled to the nearest tree and pushed herself up. Pain and nauseas threatened to invade her, but she did her best to ignore them. She wasn't giving up.

Taking small steps, she walked aimlessly through the forest. Her feet were so cold and her feet were hurting badly, which made her task even more difficult. She hadn't known how hurt her feet were, until she started walking. They felt like burning and even when the feeling seemed to cut through her entire body, she kept walking.

She heard some voices in the distance and she walked towards the sound, a sheer of hope in her heart. Fortunately, it wasn't as dark as it was when she first woke up.

Finally, she spotted them. It was a group of people and she walked towards them, her heart racing in anticipation, she tried going faster, but she was swaying. The pain was too much to bear. The group seemed to be closer now. _Help!_ The words came like a whisper. _Help!_ She tried calling out again, but it came like a voiceless plead.

She tried to reach for the group, but her knees were shaking so much that, they buckled under her. She noticed one of the persons was looking her way as darkness claimed her once again.

* * *

Removing his gaze from the binoculars, he sighed in ecstasy. His precious bird didn't disappoint him, she was doing great!

With a wide confident smile, he made his way to his truck. The test was up and now, it was just a matter of time to get her back.

He knew it, he had picked her right. She was so strong and confident. He knew she was meant for him since the moment she walked into the room. She didn't acknowledge him, though, and that hurt, but soon he understood why she had ignored him, she was just pretending. He could feel it. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. They were connected, there was no doubt about that.

And she has proven to be so passionate and full of fire. She had showed him just how much in the past couple of days. His smile faded away, a pity indeed, the drugs he had used to subdue her would cause amnesia, he knew she would've enjoyed the memories of them just as much as he did. The time they spent together had not been as long as he would've wanted, but it was unforgettable. Hopefully, those memories will come back to her in time, but it was okay if they didn't. That was why he had taped everything that happened, and when she came back, he will show the videos to her and they will enjoy them together.

After that, they could create new memories, and this time around, they will be imprinted in her mind forever. He was looking forward for that day to come.

But for now, he couldn't wait to go back to his lair where he would watch the tapes over and over again. That will help him cope until she is reunited with him and that will happen soon. He knew it. His bird will reborn from the ashes, just like a phoenix, just to be with him.

_tbc…_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thanks so very, very much for your reviews, they mean a lot to me :D

I am not sure yet about what happened to Amanda during her captivity, I have sorted out the _why_ already, so I guess we're all going to find out as the memories come back to her.

Sorry if I did not mention that Amanda is the protagonist of this story. I thought I had put it in the summary, but thanks to a message on Tumblr, I realized my mistake.

This chapter is more like a 'filler' chapter, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. As always, if you feel like it, do let me know your thoughts on the story. Thanks so much!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters. (Don't know why, but I always feel compelled to say it).

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Amanda woke up to the sound of voices around her. A blinding white light on her eyes prevented her to see properly. A bunch of people moving and saying things around her, things that she wasn't able to understand.

Lifting her head, she focused her vision, taking a better look at her surroundings. _Where was she? Was she at a hospital? _

The smell of antiseptic and cleaning products filled her nostrils. _She moved her head frantically, she didn't want to breathe into the cloth, but she had no other choice as it covered both her nose and mouth. And then, everything was dark._

An indescribable feeling invaded her. Deep fear and horror spread throughout her body. "Don't touch me! Let me go!" Amanda screamed from the top of her lungs, getting the attention of the medical staff.

A surge of adrenaline pumped through her veins, offering bouts of energy she didn't know she had at that moment. She started fighting the doctors and nurses that tried to get hold of her. Something deep inside told Amanda that she shouldn't let them touch her, she shouldn't let them anywhere near her.

A security guard was called into the examine room by one of the nurses. He tried to restrain Amanda, but when he came close to her, she didn't think, she just reacted. Amanda hit him in the throat, hard. She used the guard's distraction in her favour and took his gun out of the holster and grabbed it with both hands.

"Back off!" She demanded. "All of you, out of the room. Now!" She screamed frantically, pointing the gun to the hospital's personnel. The gun was shaking in her hands, she didn't know if she could control it should it fire itself and it scared her, but not as much as being surrounded by strangers. The people in the room seemed to read her thoughts as they followed her orders.

Once alone, Amanda got out of the bed and, walking towards the door, she put one of the chairs against the knob in order to prevent anyone from getting in. She knew it was probably useless, but at the moment, it made her feel better. Now that her system had gotten rid of the adrenaline, she walked towards the farthest wall of the room and slid down against it, the unwelcome cold of the tiles in her back sending shivers to her head.

_Everything was dark. Her feet burned. She had tears in her eyes, but she never felt them on her cheeks as they were absorbed by the cloth covering her eyes, preventing her from seeing anything, a hand touched her wrist and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake it away. Leave me alone! Let me go!_

Strengthening her hold on the gun she started repeating the words like a mantra. _"Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone"_

* * *

The morning had been kind of slow at SVU. They were able to wrap two cases over the last couple of weeks. Nick and Fin were checking a report on a pending case when both men were surprised to see Olivia leaving her office in a hurry, putting on her coat as she walked to the elevators.

"Let's go" She gestured both Nick and Fin to follow her, which earned Olivia a confused look from their subordinates.

"Where to Serge" Fin asked, getting into the elevator, Nick in tow.

"Bellevue" She said, looking at the lighted numbers of the elevator as it descended, hands in her pockets.

"Why, do we have a case? Is it about the rapist on the 32nd?" If it was about a new case, Nick didn't really see the point of Olivia tagging along. They could interview the victim without her help.

"I'm not sure" She said, pushing her lips together. Her eyes spoke volumes of how worried she was.

"Liv, what do you mean? Fin came to stand in front of Olivia. He and Nick sensed that something was up and that their Sergeant was withholding some valuable information.

Sighing, Olivia stepped out of the elevator and turned to see her subordinates in the eye. "This morning, a woman was admitted to the psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital after being picked up by an ambulance in a very bad shape."

Nick and Fin looked at each other, not understanding why it was so important for the three of them to check on this victim.

Noticing the hesitance in both men's faces, Olivia continued "When she regained consciousness on the way to the hospital, she started dashing and screaming and was very difficult for the paramedics to control her, which is why they took her to psychiatric ward at Bellevue. When they were treating her injuries, she woke up pretty agitated and demanded not to be touched, when a security guard tried to restrain her, she took the guard's gun and locked herself in one of the examine rooms. She hasn't let anyone in since."

"I'm sorry about this woman Liv, but, unless she was raped or related to one of our cases, I don't really see the point of us being there. Maybe she's on drugs, who knows?" Nick shrugged his shoulders. "Why did they call SVU?". Nick turned to look at Fin. Olivia seemed concerned and he didn't really understand the reason behind her demeanour.

"A nurse claims to know this woman" Liv answered Nick's question, but at the same time, she wished she didn't have to.

Both Fin and Nick looked intently at her, their brown eyes encouraging her to continue.

"The nurse who called me is almost certain that the woman is Rollins" Olivia finally said.

"Wait, what?" Fin asked, his brows furrowed. "Isn't she supposed to be on vacations?" he asked, trying to make sense of Olivia's words.

"Fin's right! Most likely, the nurse is confused" Nick said, trying to find a logical explanation. If Rollins was on vacation, why would she end up in a psychiatric unit?

"Listen, Fin and I can check it out, most likely, as I said, the nurse is mistaken. You don't have to come with us, Liv." Nick said in an attempt to stop Olivia.

"Yes, I do" Olivia said, leaving no room for further argument. Getting in the driver's seat she waited for Fin and Nick to process the information she'd just given them before getting in the car.

* * *

They drove to the hospital in silence. Nick was in the front seat while Fin was in the back seat. Nick kept thinking about what Olivia said. _Was it really Rollins? But they all knew that she had asked for some days off._ No, he shook his head, it was definitely a mistake. _It has to be!_

Nick saw Fin in the rearview mirror dialling Amanda's number. She never picked up though. Every time, it went straight to voice mail.

Deep inside, Nick hoped that Amanda wasn't the one in the psychiatric ward. _You were supposed to be having some fun. What has happened to you, Amanda?_

When they arrived, they showed their badges to the nurse at the reception and were taken to the room Amanda has locked herself in.

They were warned by the by the Hospital Security staff to wear a bullet proof vest, since woman inside was armed and dangerous. The three of them refused to. If the woman in the room were indeed Amanda, they knew that no matter what, she wasn't going to hurt them.

Olivia asked Fin to go inside while she talked to the paramedics who attended Amanda. Olivia knew that Amanda trusted her partner implicitly and that, if someone could get through to her, that one was Fin.

Pushing the door with little force, Fin was able to get inside. Apparently, Amanda's idea was not as effective as she expected.

Nick remained outside as per Olivia's instruction. But there was no way he was staying in the corridor if there might be some way in which he could help Rollins. Once Olivia disappeared around one of the corridors, Nick took a deep breath and stealth for what he might find inside.

Upon entering the room, Nick looked around with barely concealed disgust, she didn't deserve to be in such cold and lonely place. Amanda wasn't lying on the bed, that he knew. Instead, he spotted her in the farthest corner of the room, her head hanging down slightly. From where he was standing, he could tell her lips were moving, but no audible sound came out of her mouth. The security guard's gun still in her hands, she was clutching it with such force that her knuckles looked white.

He'd never been good at reading the lips, but she seemed to be pleading not to be touched. Turning his attention to Fin, he spotted the older man crouched in front of her, talking softly to his partner trying hard to get her to come out from the emotional shock she was obviously in.

Kneeling alongside Fin, Nick turned his full attention to the woman sitting in front of him. Now that he was closer to her, he understood why the nurse that called SVU wasn't sure about Amanda's identity, despite she'd seen her on several occasions in the past. Amanda didn't look like her old self at all. Her skin was ashy and dry; and there was this nasty cut on her forehead that seem to be in desperate of medical attention. It was evident that she had gone through hell.

"Please, Amanda. Release the grip on the gun. Do you remember me? It's Fin. We're here to help you, partner." Fin was trying his best to get Amanda to listen to him, but she seemed to be in another place and not in the same room with them.

Nick's worry for his partner grew when he noticed that Amanda started hitting her head against the wall, as tears pooled in her eyes. He felt so bad an powerless to see her in such condition and he felt the overwhelming need to touch her, to make sure that she was real.

Amanda was overwhelmed. She didn't know what had happened to her. She tried hard to remember, but it was as if someone had erased all memories in her mind.

She could hear voices, voices that seemed to come from miles away. She heard the machines beeping, people screaming, people crying… after a while, all the noises blended together and she couldn't make sense of anything anymore.

The last thing she remembered was her talk with Internal Affairs. She then had an argument with Benson in her office. She was pissed at her for what had happened to the Brazilian diplomat's wife. She didn't buy a word of what Murphy had said. Benson didn't trust her. She promised her sergeant to do her best to get back to her good graces, but, _what happened after that?_

_There were no voices, just footsteps. 'I'm law enforcement' Her words landed on deaf ears. No sounds, just silence. 'Talk to me coward. Let me go!'_

She felt a hand on her. _Was it his hand?_ Her first reaction was to jerk it away, but something deep inside told her it was okay and she relaxed a little.

Just then, a familiar voice peered through the fog of her memories and the background noises that threatened to block everything else.

She focused on the sound of the voice. She recognized it, it was Fin's, her partner, her friend. She could trust him.

She closed her eyes tightly and did her best to understand what Fin was saying. He was asking her for something. It took her some time, but she finally understood what he wanted.

Fin kept asking her to release her hold on the weapon in her hands. She had to concentrate on each muscle and joint in her hands, but she was finally able to do as he asked her.

Removing the weapon from her, Fin used his free hand to lift her chin up so they could look properly at her.

Amanda looked around, finally able to fully take in her surroundings. Looking at her co-workers crouched in front of her, her cracked lips curved into a soft, yet genuine smile.

She noticed Nick's hand on her elbow and she now understood why she was able to relax when she first felt it. She could trust him, Nick wasn't going to hurt her.

"Thank you," she said in a low voice and tried to lean against Fin, but she fell forward instead.

Nick beat Fin and was fast to catch her. He lifted her up and arranged her on his lap, cradling her to him. Ever so gently, he pushed her hair out of her face and felt anger raised inside him upon seeing the cuts and bruises she had on her face and neck. Were these injuries the extent of the damage inflicted upon her, or was there more?

Gently, he rested his head on top of hers as he continued cradling her. "What happened to you, Amanda?"

"Have you looked at her? Have you seen these injuries?" Nick directed his question to Fin. "Why did she refuse medical attention?"

Taking his partner's cold hand in his and looking at how damaged it was, Fin answered Nick's question. "I think she's too scared to let anyone help her. She doesn't trust the medical staff. But I know her. I'm sure she wants to find out what happened to her. _She wants us to find out what happened to her._ I think the sooner we figure out a way to help her, the sooner she will let someone see her."

Nick nodded his head and turned his attention to Amanda. He knew she was listening to them, but he figured she was either too tired or too confused to interact in the conversation.

"Amanda, you need help, you need to let the doctors help you". Nick's voice was soft but determined.

"Don't trust 'em" She mumbled and Nick had to put his ear next to her lips in order to get what she said.

"You were right," Nick turned to look at Fin. "She says she doesn't trust them" Shaking his head, Nick let Fin know.

Fin was in deep thought_. Who_ _would make Amanda feel comfortable?_ "What about Melinda" He offered. "Would you feel comfortable with her?" Fin asked Amanda, squeezing her hand gently to get her attention.

Amanda looked at Fin. Her eyes were covered by her bangs, the tips, moving slightly with each blink if her eyes.

Despite hair covering his partner's deep blue eyes, Fin could read the hesitation in them. She looked like a lost puppy that didn't know who to trust after a long time of abuse.

Slowly, she nodded her head before resting it back against Nick's arm.

"Good girl" Fin smiled. He stood up and went outside to call Melinda. She and her crew would be able to help, he was certain of it.

* * *

Melinda arrived shortly after Fin's call with two of her closest female subordinates, as per Fin's request.

She was sympathetic upon seeing the condition Amanda was in. It was most definitely not the way she was used to seeing the saucy SVU detective.

Melinda asked both men to step outside while she and her crew worked on Amanda. But Nick refused to let go of her and if his grip on her tightened a little, nobody seemed to notice. He was so worried of what might happen, as if Amanda might disappear if he wasn't there to prevent it. But he also wanted to help her and he knew that he wasn't going to do much if he didn't let Melinda to help her. He soon understood that Amanda would feel more comfortable if he and Fin waited outside, so Nick stood up with Amanda in his arms, she felt light in his arms, too light, making him wonder how much weight she had lost in the past couple of weeks, another attestment to the difficult days she had had. Gently he lowered her down onto the bed and caressed her cheek lightly. "Everything is gonna be okay, we'll be outside if you need us" He smiled at her before stepping out of the room.

Melinda and her crew worked fast and efficiently, the way they always do. Cutting Amanda's clothes, they bagged them and tagged them. They took pictures of each bruise, cut and injure in Amanda's body. Unfortunately, by the time they finished, they didn't know how many injuries her body has sustained as they were too many to count.

* * *

Olivia joined them outside after having talked to the paramedics. "They said a group of people called 911 when they saw her walking towards them. When they arrived, she was bleeding badly and were able to bandage a nasty wound in her abdomen, but she woke up before they could work on the other injuries." Olivia came to the door and looked at Amanda lying on the bed, like a rag doll letting the doctors work on her.

Nick boiled in anger, Fin felt like killing the bastard who hurt his partner and Olivia wanted to find and lock the animal who had hurt Rollins this badly. If only she had double checked the request that Amanda sent… _Did she even send it or was it only a ruse from whoever hurt Rollins?_

Gritting his teeth, Nick finally voiced the question they all had been asking themselves. "What in hell happened to her? Where was she kept for the last three weeks?"

They looked at each other. The only person who knew what had happened was currently inside that room. Battered and scared. The memories of what she went through locked in a box inside her head that threatened to sink Amanda into darkness.

_tbc…_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.

Here is the next chapter. Hope you like it. I don't know if Melinda would ever be this understanding with Amanda or if Amanda would be willing to have a conversation with Melinda the way I envisioned it, so I hope it turned out believable enough.

Thanks again and happy reading.

**Disclaimer:** As always, I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Olivia put her cell phone in her coat pocket. Now that, thanks to her conversation with the paramedics, they knew the exact location where Amanda had been dumped, she asked the CSU to canvass the area for any evidence they could find. They haven't heard about any crimes with a similar MO and therefore, she was hoping that the perp was stupid enough to leave something behind. She was counting on it.

Turning her attention towards her subordinates, she seized her options. On the one hand, she wanted Nick to work the case with her, but looking at the anger displayed in the younger detective's eyes, she decided it was best to leave him at the hospital with Rollins and to take Fin with her instead.

She needed this case to be worked with cold head and Nick was not an option given his current estate of mind, as he was upset and angry for what had happened to Rollins. They all were, but Nick seemed to be much more affected.

Walking to where Fin and Nick were standing, she started giving instructions.

"Nick, stay here. Keep and eye on Rollins and, as soon as Warner finishes, talk to her, ask Melinda about her findings and report back to me asap. Rollins' injuries are the only evidence we have so far."

"Fin, let's go back to where the paramedics found Rollins. The CSU is already there waiting for us. I'm pretty sure it is not our primary crime scene, but I'm hoping to find something useful. Something that will help us find whoever did this to Rollins." Olivia was determined. Her face was an unreadable mask, but both Fin and Nick knew she was deeply concerned for Rollins, despite the differences they might have had in the past.

* * *

When Melinda finished her examination of Amanda, she handed her a hospital gown and helped her into it.

Amanda was fully awake, but she wasn't willing to talk. Her head was turned and her eyes were fixed on the wall, as if she were miles away instead of on the same room.

"Thank you, I can take it from here" Melinda told her subordinates and, handing them some of the evidence they've collected, she asked them to take it to the lab. "I'll catch you there".

She saw her colleagues leave before Melinda turned her full attention to the woman in the room. Amanda looked so small and frail in the hospital bed. Moreover, Melinda noticed that she'd been extremely quiet. Amanda didn't make any sounds or comments during the examination and that scared Melinda a little. Not that she expected Amanda to be chatting or willing to have a conversation, but she had heard about the episode when Amanda was first taken to the hospital and she was afraid that, if she didn't do something, Amanda may end up sinking into the darkest places of her mind once again. Melinda knew the importance of bringing Amanda back from the place she seemed to be slipping to.

"Amanda, detective Rollins!" Walking closer to Amanda, Melinda said in a soft voice. Ever so gently as not to startle her, she placed a hand on Amanda's arm. "Detective, can you hear me?"

Once again, Amanda was fighting hard to get back from the darkness her mind insisted on taking her to. She wanted out. She wanted to be back to reality, even when something deep inside told her that reality was not any better. What she wanted the most was to feel safe, she wanted and needed to be strong again.

Suddenly, she wasn't that scared anymore. She could tell someone was with her, she was not alone in the darkness, someone was there with her and that made her feel good. There was a hand on her shoulder, but this touch was so very different from the one she felt in the shadows. This one was not violent or aggressive, but pure comfort. The hand on her shoulder was trustworthy. It reassured her and that was exactly what she desperately needed to keep her afloat.

Amanda became aware that, her name was being said in a soothing voice. She knew the timbre, it was a female voice. And even when it wasn't a voice she normally listened to, she knew she trusted it.

"Dr. Warner." She croaked

"Welcome back, detective" Melinda smiled when Amanda turned her head to see her.

When she tried to sit, she noticed the hospital gown and turned to look at Warner, a puzzled look in her face as Melinda was fast to answer the unspoken question. "We took your clothes as evidence, detective"

It took some time for Amanda to register what Warner has just told her, and when she did, she nodded her understanding. "Do you…" Her voice was hoarse, she barely recognized the sound and it felt like sandpaper was stuck in her throat. She swallowed, before speaking again.

"Do you… ? Do you know what… Do you know happened to me?" Amanda finished the question with a lot of effort.

Warner noticed how hard it was for Amanda to form sentences. She was struggling to keep the train of thought even when the questions were not that difficult to produce and the conversation wasn't complicated to follow. Looking at Amanda, it was obvious the lack of nutrients in her body, but Warner was worried Melinda that, Amanda's condition was caused by drugs that might've been administered to her during her captivity.

"Not yet" Shaking her head slowly, Melinda answered honestly.

"Was I…? She focused her attention on her battered hands. It took her some time to form the question in her mind, not only because what she was about to ask was emotionally difficult, but because she found herself struggling to remember and to know which words to use. Her mind was so messed up, it was as if she had lost the ability to speak.

"Was I raped?" The question finally slipped her mouth.

Warner looked the worry written all over Amanda's pale face and she considered sugar coating her answer, maybe even lying, but first and foremost, she was a doctor and even when Amanda wasn't her patient, she knew the woman, she respected her and Warner knew that Amanda deserved the truth, no matter how hard this one turned out to be. "I'm not sure, detective. You were hurt, badly. Your entire body is struggling against the wounds and abuse you suffered in the past weeks. I didn't find any fluids, though." Melinda tried her best at reassuring the younger woman.

Amanda nodded her head once again. She felt like crying, but she knew crying wasn't going to do any good to her current situation. Memories of victims being questioned by her came to her mind at that moment. Now she knew exactly how they felt when she or any of her co-workers questioned them about their experience as victims of a heinous crime. She couldn't help but to realize that it was the second time since she was out from wherever she had been kept that she compared herself to a victim and that made her feel vulnerable and scared.

"May I?" Melinda asked Amanda, pointing her finger to the bed, but she didn't wait for Amanda to answer as she sat down at the end of the bed. "Fin told me you don't remember anything. But the whole time me and my crew were here, you seemed to be in deep thought. Has something come to you?" Warner knew it was a delicate subject and that, maybe someone else should be asking these kind of questions, but she also knew that, considering her current estate, it wasn't going to be easy for Amanda to open up to a stranger.

Amanda closed her eyes and went back to the dark abyss of her memories, searching for something that might shed some light into what happened to her, searching for the answer she so desperately needed.

"Not quite," Amanda said, her eyes still closed. "I was in a basement, maybe," she continued, her brow furrowing deeply each time that something came to her mind. "I was… tie… tied up to a hard surface. I think my hands and feet were bound with a rope"

Warner nodded slightly, she had seen the marks on Amanda's wrists and ankles, which proved that Amanda's memories were accurate.

Amanda took a fistful of the white sheet covering her body as a flashback came to her. "I tried to get free, but every time I moved too much, he would force a cloth into my mouth and nose" Amanda's breathing became raspy, as if she was fighting against the cloth on her face at that moment. It took her some time to realize it was just a memory, a very vivid one, but nothing more.

Opening her eyes, Amanda looked at the ME. "Did he…?" she showed Melinda her nailless fingers.

"No" Warned shook her head in sympathy. "I don't think so. I didn't find any marks on them that may suggest that they were removed by an object. I think you did that to yourself in an attempt to get away."

Amanda was quiet for a while, trying hard to process Melinda's words. She remembered scratching the hard surface. She focused hard, maybe now that some bits of what happened were coming back to her, she'd be able to remember something more, so she focused.

"I'm sorry, I can't" Amanda turned away and rested her head on her shoulder, sinking a little on the bed; the memories becoming too much for her to bear. She has always been strong and independent. She was the one who protected the ones in need, the one who conducted the interrogations. But right now, she was the one in desperate need of help and in truth, she was ashamed to admit it.

Melinda seemed to read Amanda's thoughts. "Whatever happened to you, it was not your fault, detective. You have done nothing wrong. You were held against your will, you were weakened by every injury and yet, you never stopped fighting for your freedom. You're…"

"I'm not a victim" Amanda turned to look at Warner. Deep fear masqueraded as anger in her blue eyes. She had seen bad times and she had come through them stronger and this time, it wasn't going to be different. She was not a victim.

"I know, I wasn't going to say that, detective" Melinda said calmly. "You are a fighter, detective. You are alive and you are here." Warner gave Amanda a pointed look.

Amanda closed her eyes and when she opened them again, Warner saw there was no longer anger or scare in them just deep sadness.

"Would you like me to get something for you? Would you like me to call someone, or to get you anything? I think detective Amaro is still outside, would you like to see him?" Warner asked as she stood up from the bed, sensing it had been too much for Amanda already. She needed to rest and to be checked by the medical staff.

Amanda flushed at the idea of Nick seeing her like that. She'd never let her guard down. Yes, he had seen her vulnerable, but she always managed to mask it with anger, to fight with him, to argue with him, but right now, she was not strong enough for that. But then, she remembered. He'd seen her like that already. Just a couple of hours earlier, he had cradled her in his strong arms, he'd been nice to her, moreover, he'd keep true to his promise of waiting outside. A ghost of a smile caressed her lips, she's never seen that side of him before.

But the tranquillity in her face turned to deep horror as she looked back to Melinda. "The clothes I was wearing when I was found…"

"What about them?" Melinda looked at Amanda with concern

"They're not mine"

* * *

Olivia felt frustrated. She and Fin had spent a lot of time at the place where Amanda was dumped _– the crime scene, she thought grimly-_ and they came back empty.

"Let's call Nick and tell him how we did, hopefully Melinda's findings are more useful" Olivia said walking towards the car.

Fin looked intently at her. "I know what you're thinking Liv and it's not your fault"

Olivia felt Fin's eyes on her and she stopped. "Believe it or not, I'm not blaming myself, Fin. It's just that…" She slowly turned to face him "I should've known" She said, shaking her head.

"How could you? Fin reached for her arm "You two had an argument on that morning, there was some tension between the two of you, we all noticed"

Olivia closed her eyes briefly, "no, Rollins sometimes borderline insubordinate, but she's not a coward. I should've known that, if she wanted some time off, she would have come and ask for it in person. Anyway, there's nothing we can do to change what happened. But there's a lot we can do to catch this bastard and make sure he pays for what he has done. Let's go to Rollin's place. This guy must've picked her up somewhere. Maybe he was bold enough to go to her house, maybe someone saw something in the days prior to Amanda's disappearance, or even better, maybe we can get something out from the surveillance cameras near her place. Call CSU, ask them to meet us at Rollins place." She said, as they resumed their walk to the car.

* * *

"Got it, Liv. Warner is still with Rollins, but as soon as I know something, you'll know" Nick finished his call as he saw Warner leaving the room and walking towards him. He ran a hand over his face trying hard to get rid of the frustration he felt after his conversation with Olivia.

"CSU found some hairs and blood, but they are not sure they belong to Rollins" He let Melinda know once she was standing next to him. "Liv and Fin say that, the bastard who did this to Rollins, tried hard to get rid of the evidence. They found that some dirt has been removed and they were unable to find tire marks or footprints."

Nick realized he'd been rambling when he saw Warner looking at him. She was clearly letting him get out what was inside of him before sharing her findings.

"Sorry, doc. Tell, me, how is she?" He said with a sigh.

"Not good, detective" Warner pushed her lips together before she continued. "She has some broken ribs, and, besides the bruises you've already seen, there are other injuries throughout her body. Most of them purposely inflicted to weaken her. Some of them are fresh, but, what called my attention is that, some of the injuries are either healed already or in a healing process" She said, narrowing her eyes as she spoke.

"She was gone for three weeks, I think it's enough time for the healing process to start, it's just natural" Nick reasoned.

Melinda shook her head. "No, it's more than that. It's as if someone has taken care of them. They were properly treated and bandaged". She shook her head. "I don't understand, but it's as if, whoever took her, hurt her in order to the play hero by helping her and fixing her wounds next. As if he had wanted her to become dependent on him. I don't know, but it's scary"

"Could we be looking for more than one perp?" Nick was trying hard to find a logical explanation to what Warner has shared with him.

"Everything is possible, detective. Also, the medical staff will need to draw some blood in order to run some tests. As I said, she's in a very bad shape physically, she's malnourished, but only God knows what is going on with her internally. She needs to be hooked to an IV, and to have some proper food. I don't know if she's struggling because of whatever substance the bastard use to subdue her or because of the lack of nutrients in her body".

"She doesn't trust them. That's why Fin called you" Nick reminded her.

"I know, detective. But right now, she's not as shaken up as she was when she was first brought in. I think she'll let them do their work now."

"Was she raped?" He blurted out. The question had been bugging Nick since he first saw Amanda, and even when he promised himself not to ask it, it found its way out of his mouth.

Melinda sighed. "I don't know. As I told her, there's severe trauma, but it's not necessarily consistent with rape as most of her body has been badly hurt and the trauma I noticed could be the result of her body fighting to recover. We're talking about two, maybe three weeks of torture. The lack of hygiene and poor diet are almost as evident as the bruises. I didn't find any fluids though, which I take as a good sign." There was nothing good about Amanda's situation and she knew it. But in the midst of all the negative findings, she mentioned what she considered important to put both his and Amanda's mind at ease.

Nick smiled with rage. He could barely contain the hate and anger building up inside him, his fists clenched at his sides as he felt the need to beat to the death the bastard who dared hurting Rollins this bad. "Anything else?" He asked, trying to get his emotions in check, but failing miserably.

"For what is worth, I think she's a real warrior. Anyone else would have succumbed to such torture, but she has lived through it instead.

Of course she will need a lot of help to recover and get through it, but as I told her, she's a survivor. She was badly hurt and she'll need a lot of recovery time and time to regain her trust in herself and in others. But with help and patience, she'll pull through. Also, she's started remembering. I think she knows perfectly well what had happened to her, but considering how difficult it was and still is for her, she's dealing with it by locking it inside. She may remember clearly or she may choose, unconsciously of course, to forget about it forever. And given the circumstances, I don't know what would be the best for her."

Melinda looked at Nick, she could tell he was about to explode with anger and she couldn't blame him. She's worked at SVU long enough to know how bad it was for them when they came across a victim in a similar condition to Amanda's. The rage and impotence they all felt. But knowing it had happened to one of their own, to a woman as strong and determined as Amanda, made it all worse.

"Keep that anger and hatred for when you find the bastard who hurt her, detective." Melinda said, as if she could read his desire to kill the bastard himself and put him through the same hell he's put Rollins.

"Go to her, detective. She needs you, as much as she needs all the help and support she can get right now." She said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Looking intently at the white door that separated him from Rollins, he said, "But you said it will take time for her to trust people"

"I did, but she didn't seem guarded when I was talking with her, and I'm not as close to her as you are." She offered Nick a sympathetic smile. "I'm going to find a nurse willing to come to draw the samples we need, but after what happened this morning, something's telling me is not gonna be easy". Taking the paper bag containing the last of the evidence collected from Amanda's body, she left, leaving a hesitant Nick standing in the corridor, facing the door to the room where Amanda was. Debating whether his presence would indeed be good for her. Fearing that he may not be what she really needed in this difficult moment.

_tbc…_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thanks so very much for your reviews, they mean a lot :) and for taking the time to read this story! I know it's been kind of slow, but I promise things will speed up soon.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Nick hesitated for a bit longer before making up his mind. Carefully, not wanting to startle her, he finally made his way into the room. Nick noticed that Amanda's eyes were closed. _Maybe she is asleep_, he thought. It worried him that she was not up for visitors as Warner assured him. _Maybe she was catching on some sleep_. He couldn't help but notice how peaceful she looked despite her weakened condition. He knew she needed to rest. He was considering leaving the room, when, as if she had sensed his intentions, she opened her eyes and smiled softly when she saw him standing next to her bed, letting him know through that simple gesture that she was glad to see him.

Smiling back at her, he took some steps forward as he got closer to her. He wanted to touch her, to make sure she was there, but he was too afraid that his actions might scare her.

Sometime, in the middle of his internal debate, a nurse came into the room. Apparently, Warner has indeed found someone to draw the samples that were needed in order to get a better idea of Amanda's current condition.

Nick was about to take a seat in the chair next to Amanda's bed, but when he saw the nurse, he straightened and walked slightly backwards in an attempt to exit the room. He didn't want to leave Amanda, but he didn't want to impose his presence either, he wanted to give her some privacy, even when, just like when Melinda arrived, he wanted to stay by her side.

To his surprise, this time, Amanda looked desperately at him. Her deep blue eyes pleading him not to leave her alone.

Nick walked towards the bed and looked at the nurse, his eyes asking for permission to stay.

"You can stay if you want to" The nurse offered, not wanting to be alone with Amanda, not after what had happened earlier.

Despite the difficulty in finding a viable vein due to Amanda's dehydrated condition, it didn't take long for the nurse to fill two tubes with Amanda's blood. When the nurse finished, she let them know that Amanda was going to be transferred to a room and that, as soon as the results were back, a doctor would come to see her.

"Thanks" Nick said, just as the nurse left the room.

Nick turned to see Amanda and once again, he noticed that her eyes were somewhere else

"Amanda" Nick called her name softly

She was back in the dark place, trying hard to remember something useful. _They need me to help them_, she thought. Maybe she wasn't as strong as Warner said she is, maybe she wasn't as brave as she thought she was.

Listening to Nick's familiar voice helped her to come back to reality. She turned her head towards him.

"You're still here," she said, her voice above a whisper

Nick's brows furrowed. He was worried that maybe, the look she gave him earlier, when the nurse came into the room, was not because she wanted him to stay. Had she forgotten about his presence so fast?

"Hey, look at me" He said, lifting her chin gently with two of his fingers. She finally met his gaze and held it. Nick was hoping to read something in her eyes, but all he saw was emptiness and it scared him. They were not the eyes full of life and fierce he's seen almost every day for the last three years, these eyes were dark and hollow and he feared that the scars on her mind and soul would never heal.

"I'm scared to find out what happened to me" She said in a broken voice. "How long was I missing? Why didn't someone ask about me?" The questions were flowing freely from her mouth and there was a hint of recrimination in them.

Amanda's eyes were full of tears now, which she was trying hard to hold back.

Nick let go of her chin, and took her hand instead, as he sank into the chair next to her bed. With a heavy sigh, he proceeded to answer her questions the best way he could, since he himself was uncertain of the answers.

"Around three weeks. You sent a request to Benson asking her for some time off. Your signature was in it" He said in a slow voice, giving her time to process the information.

"I don't remember having asked Benson for anything, let alone signing any papers". She said, rubbing her right temple with her free hand. "But I understand why Benson thought I did" She didn't sound mad this time, just deeply sad.

Nick cupped Amanda's cheek and, using his thumb, he gently wiped away the tears that were threatening to come from her eyes, fearing that, if they were to spill on her cheeks, they would cause discomfort on her battered face.

"I should've checked on you, despite of what everyone said. I knew you were not okay, I feel like, like I let you down" He finally admitted out loud

She looked at him and, biting down at her lower lip, she said, "no, this is nobody's fault but mine. I've been crumbling apart for a while now, and this was the drop that spilled the glass. I brought this upon me, who knows? Maybe I asked for it without knowing.

I was a mess and now, I'm even worse. I lost three weeks of my life, and now, I don't even know where to start putting the pieces back together."

Nick wanted to stop her ramble. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong that nobody deserved what happened to her, that she shouldn't be saying those things, but he knew better. She might be weak and a bit disoriented, but she was as stubborn as she has always been, which he took as a good sign. He knew she was more than capable to fight him and he didn't want to fight with her, not right now. Maybe when she got better, he will remind her of her strength.

"I'm here," he said, instead. "We'll figure it out, together. You'll be fine, Rollins. We'll catch the bastard who did this to you, and we'll make him pay for his actions. I promise" He squeezed her hand gently, looking intently at her. His eyes speaking louder than words ever will and she believed him.

The moment was broken when they both felt a presence in the room. Amanda squeezed Nick's hand a bit tighter- as tight as she could given her condition- and Nick turned to face the person in the room, as he did his best to shield Amanda with his body from the intruder's vision.

"Good afternoon. Sorry for the interruption, I'm doctor Winters" The man said with a calm voice.

Nick looked suspiciously at the intruder who'd just introduced himself as Dr. Winters. The man was young, in his mid to late thirties, with sandy hair, tanned skin and hazel eyes and he was wearing doctor scrubs. His name tag and hospital badge was in sight.

"Do you have the results yet" Asked Nick, relaxing a little, even when he decided just then that he didn't like the doctor, at all.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm the psychiatrist. I was sent here to conduct a routine evaluation of the patient, Amanda Rollins" He said looking at the name on the metal clipboard.

"Is it okay if I talk to you, Miss Rollins? The doctor asked, searching for Amanda's face.

Amanda cocked her head to the side as if she weren't sure of what to answer, which didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Winters.

"It's just standard procedure. It won't take long" The young doctor offered.

Nick turned to look at Amanda, ready to throw the doctor out if she asked him to.

"I'll be fine, I think I can do it." she said, Amanda looked more tired now, Nick assumed the conversation with him has drained her and he didn't understand why she agreed to talk to the doctor. Maybe she just wanted to get that out of the way.

"Okay. I will contact Liv and Fin and I'll be back, is that okay?" He wanted to let her know that he was going to be nearby in case she needed him.

* * *

Once Nick was out of the room, Amanda turned her attention to doctor Winters. Her body language screaming what Nick had assumed earlier. She wasn't in the mood for visitors, much less to talk to a shrink, but as the doctor mentioned, it was standard procedure and the sooner she got it out of the way, the better. She was very tired, but didn't want to sleep, she was too afraid to do so, as she was certain the demons will come to haunt her in her dreams.

Amanda stared at Winters for a long time before she finally asked "Do I know you?" her eyes narrowed.

"I was in the room earlier this morning when you snapped" He answered simply as if he had been expecting the question.

"Sorry," she said, looking away, clearly ashamed of her actions, even when she didn't have a clear recollection of them.

"Don't be. I read your file and one of the nurses briefed me on the conditions you were found as well as who you are. I think that your reaction was normal given the circumstances." He said reassuringly.

She gave him a look. She didn't expect that answer coming from a shrink, but she nodded. Despite what Warner had said about her going to find hard trusting people, she found herself at ease with Dr. Winters. She chose to focus on the sound of his voice.

"The man that has just left, is he family or friend?" He asked as he took a seat in the chair next to her.

"He's my partner" She answered, looking at the door. She missed Nick's presence already, she didn't know why, but, it was like, when he was around, the demons didn't dare to haunt her.

"So he's family". He double checked, since she didn't answer his question the way he expected.

"No," she struggled to answer, not understanding the doctor's words at first. "In the job. We work together"

"Oh, I see. Sorry. Is your family coming soon?" He asked, as he jotted something down in her file.

"No." She shook her head. My family doesn't live here." She answered, looking away from the doctor's stare.

"Are you okay" He searched for her face once again, as she seemed to be avoiding the topic.

"Yeah" She might find him trustworthy enough to be alone with him at the moment, but she wasn't ready to go and share with him his past and difficult, or rather broken relationship with her family.

"Is it okay if we chat a little?" He asked her once she got her attention back.

Amanda looked at him as if saying '_duh! Aren't we doing that already?'_ But she didn't say anything, instead, she let Dr. Winters go through the easy questions about her present, her job, her likes and dislikes. Questions that were easy enough for her to answer without making her feel bad or uncomfortable.

He was friendly and, all the time, Amanda felt good in his presence. Despite the tiredness and that she was finding hard to follow the conversation at times, she noticed that, he was doing his very best to avoid the topic of what had happened to her and she appreciated it. Either way, there was not much she could share with him- or anybody- at that point.

He wrote down some of her answers in the clipboard and when he was satisfied, he stood up and, taking a business card from his wallet, he handed it to Amanda.

She looked at it as if it was a foreign object. Noting her hesitation, and how she curled her hands in her lap, he put the card on the small table next to her bed.

Looking away, she asked him "Will we need to follow up?"

"Not with me," he answered. "As I said when I first came in, mine was only a routine visit. I was sent here to do an initial evaluation and, as far as I'm concerned, you're doing well. I mean, you're not a threat to yourself or others. Your attitude and behaviour are consistent with what you went through and even when I cannot assure you'll be okay soon, I think you're on the right track already. But, if at some point you need to talk, once again he avoided mentioning something related to her memory loss, feel free to give me a call. From what I gathered from our conversation, at this point, you need a friend much more than you need a doctor.

But if you feel like you need to talk to someone in a professional level, that would be entirely up to you. And it would be best if you could actually choose your doctor instead of talking to someone that was imposed to you." He gave her a tight smile.

"If you want to take my advice, you don't need a shrink, you need your family and friends. I hope you consider giving them a call."

* * *

As soon as Nick left the room, he dialled Liv's number. The call didn't last long as Liv and Fin hadn't finished going through Amanda's apartment as Olivia wanted to go through every single detail once more before they went back to the station.

During the short conversation, Nick shared with Olivia what Melinda has told him. Also, he learned from her what she and Fin found, or rather, didn't find at Amanda's apartment. One piece of information shared by Olivia gave him the creeps and he wasn't sure whether he should share it with Amanda or not.

When the call ended, Nick went to grab a bite and, thinking about the information shared by Olivia, he also thought about getting something that would cheer Amanda up.

Looking at his watch, Nick realized that Amanda had been with doctor Winters for almost two hours now. Maybe it was time for him to check back on her. He wasn't worried about the doctor anymore as he has confirmed his identity and credentials with the hospital staff which earned him a weird look from the nurses when he asked them about Dr. Winters and the reason why he was posing those questions, but he didn't care, he wasn't taking any chances, not after what had happened the last time that he didn't follow his instincts.

Nick was on his way back to where he had left Amanda when he heard a female voice calling his name. For a second he panicked, but the female voice, a nurse, told him that Ms. Rollins had been moved already.

When he got to the new room, he noticed that, a doctor was inside talking to Amanda. This one was older than Winters and most likely was discussing the results with her.

He saw her mouth moving, but he wasn't able to hear or understand what she was saying. So, instead, he wrote down each and every instruction and recommendation from the doctor as he could hear the older man's voice clearly. Nick was determined to make sure that Amanda would recover as soon as possible.

When the doctor left, Nick made his way into the room. This one was very different from the previous room. There was a window in it and the sunlight of the afternoon sun was coming through the glass, casting golden beams of light and warming up the otherwise cold room.

Amanda was dozing off as Nick tentatively reached his arm out and touched one of her hurt hands. Her wrists were red and raw and still bloody. He felt a sting of pain in his chest, nobody should go through something like this. Not Amanda, not anyone.

Reaching for the object he was concealing inside his jacket, he took it out and placed it next to Amanda.

Sensing that someone was in the room, she swung her eyes open. Horror immediately replaced with warmth as she noticed it was him.

"You're back," she smiled tiredly at him. "You don't have to be here, you know? I don't want you to be here out of pity" she said, turning away

He ignored her words, instead, he slowly moved the object that he'd placed next to her, gently tickling Amanda's cheek with its paw.

She turned her head back to meet his gaze and her attention was caught by the offending object. She smiled when she noticed what it was, a stuffed dog dressed as a police officer.

Taking the small toy in her hands, she looked properly at it.

"Thank you." She said with a wide smile as her finger traced the outline of the 10'' toy. "How did you…?"

"Know that you like stuffed animals? He finished her question. I had no idea, I took my chances." He shrugged, a wide smile on his face. "But I do know you like dogs and I thought he could keep you company. I found him in one of the stores across the street. Do you like it?"

"I do," she nodded her head as enthusiastically as her condition allowed her.

She was wearing a sweet smile and that made Nick happy, but then he grew worried as he noticed her smile turned into a panicked grimace

"What, what is going on? Is everything okay?" His eyes were full of worry.

"Frannie, have you heard of Frannie?" She turned to look at him. The tears once again glistening her yes. _How could she forget about her furry friend? Was she okay? Was the same guy who took her hurt Frannie? Was she even alive, maybe she was sent back to a shelter?_ She wanted to cry as a million questions and possible fatal fates for her friend crossed her mind.

"Shhh… Calm down. It's okay. Frannie is okay. Fin and Liv went to your apartment this morning. They learned that, your neighbour, Mrs. Devano has been taking care of her." He reassured her.

"You sure?" She asked, worry evident in her voice.

"Yeah! She even invited Liv and Fin to have lunch with her. Your neighbour is a very nice lady."

She smiled, focusing her attention back on the teddy dog in her hands. "Yeah, that sounds like Mrs. Devano"

"But how did she know I wasn't home" she asked absent-mindedly.

Nick debated whether telling her the truth or concealing it from her. Knowing that she was going to find out one way or another, he decided to share part of the story Liv and Fin has relied on him.

"Mrs. Devano found a note taped to her apartment door in which you asked her to take care of Frannie for a few days." He said carefully

"But I didn't write that note" She stated matter of factly.

"We know." Nick nodded. "That is why Liv and Fin took the note to the lab. Fortunately, Mrs Devano kept it. Maybe we'll find some evidence in it."

But… but… you said.. I… I was go.. gone for almost three weeks, then, how did she…?Amanda rubbed her face in despair.

Nick noticed that Amanda was again struggling to form sentences so he interrupted her.

"Amanda, it's okay. We'll figure out later. Right now, you need to rest. Why don't you try to get some sleep? Me, and your new friend here will watch over you, ok?" Nick came closer and rearranged the pillow on Amanda's back so she could be more comfortable.

"I don't want to sleep". Her voice was blurred and he would have smiled at that if he knew that, the reason behind her not wanting to sleep was not because she was being stubborn, but because she was scared of what she might find in her dreams.

"I won't let anything happen to you, I promise. I'll be right here while you sleep and I'll be here when you wake up." He said, as he ran a hand along her hair.

Amanda closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of safety provided by Nick, her hand firmly clasped in his.

Sitting on the chair next to Amanda's bed, Nick leaned his head against the backrest and closing his eyes, he congratulated himself for not telling her that, the note specifically mentioned that she was going to be away for three weeks. That the bastard had asked Amanda's neighbour to watch over Frannie for three weeks specifically.

_Had he planned when he was letting her go even before he kidnapped her? When exactly did he decide how much time he was going to spend with Amanda before letting her go? Had he planned when and how he was going to release Amanda? What was this bastard up to?_

* * *

Back in his lair, he felt lonely. He missed Amanda deeply and it hadn't even been 24hours since he let her go.

Looking at the frozen image of Amanda in his TV screen he caressed her face. "My precious bird, I knew you'd pull through." He said, as he leaned his head against the screen in an attempt to be closer to her.

"You've proven to be stronger than I thought, I've shown you how strong you are. Thanks to me, you now know what great things you're capable of" He said, wearing a proud smile on his face as he continued caressing her frozen image.

"And you also had a lot of visitors" He turned to look at the screen, as if he were talking to Amanda live. "A lot of people care about you, my bird, but nobody as much as I do."

"I didn't like what that woman said, though. Who is she to judge the nature of our relationship? You've never even mentioned her" He pouted. "But it's okay, as she's not important at all." And, turning to look Amanda's image in the eye, he earnestly said, "You're mine and I know you'll find your way back to me despite the crap this woman might've told you, I'll see to that, I will help you. I will fix you my lovely bird, just like I fixed your wings when you were here with me, and in the end, we will fly together."

_tbc…_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Thank you so very, very much for your lovely reviews and for taking the time to read the story.

As I mentioned in the previous chapter, things will start moving a bit faster now.

Also, the conversation between Fin and Amanda is finally here :D As for the ones who want to read a conversation between Amanda and Olivia, that one will be next chapter, I promise.

I hope you like this chapter, please let me know your thoughts on it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Nick was woken up by a slight pull of his wrist and a soft moan. He opened his eyes tentatively, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness of the room. That's when he saw the woman in front of him, Amanda was dashing on the bed, her forehead and neck covered in pearls of sweat; her face contorted into something he couldn't quite read, but it hurt him to see her like that. He knew she was struggling against the shadows that had her trapped in an abyss of awful broken memories.

The soft moan turned into high-pitched gasps as the nightmare progressed. _No! Let me go!_ She was crying out for help, her grip on Nick's wrist tightened as her nightmare became more vivid.

Gently, Nick shook her by her arms, but it was useless, she was somewhere else.

Not knowing what else to do, he reached for the button next to Amanda's bed and called for help.

The night shift nurse arrived within seconds, "I'm here, Sr." she said, looking at Nick's finger still attached to the calling button.

Nick looked at his hand and then back to the nurse. He was upset. He didn't know how long his finger was attached to the calling button, but he didn't care.

"Please, she's in pain. Give her something!" Nick asked the nurse as he released his hold on the button. He was unable to see his face, but, by the sympathetic look he got from the nurse, he assumed that the expression on his face showed how desperate he was to help her.

"I'm sorry, but it's a nightmare," the nurse spoke softly, "There's nothing we can give her for that."

Amanda was struggling again, but this time, it was different. Her eyes were not covered, she was walking on the street, it was dark. She picked up her pace when she felt someone behind her. She turned around, but she couldn't see anyone. _'Mandy'_ she heard a raspy voice calling from the shadows. Then, she was struggling against the ropes and the drugs. Her throat was dry and scratchy, something was holding her back, she couldn't breath, panic rose in her throat _Help!_ Came her voiceless scream.

Amanda sat up in a bolt as her eyes snapped open. Her chest heaved as she regained some of the calm but she kept her hand clasped around Nick's wrist, anything to reassure her that she wasn't alone.

As her eyes scanned the room, she noticed the nurse at the door, the clean pale walls of the room and she remembered, she was at the hospital. Biting her lips inadvertently, her eyes watered and she took a deep breath as she felt a weird mix of shame and pride ran through her veins. It was her first _real _memory, the first time she remembered something that had happened before the abduction.

Nick dismissed the nurse with one look and resumed his position on the chair next to Amanda's bed. "Did you remember something?" He asked her, placing his free hand gently on her knee as he saw her coming back to reality.

"Not quite. I'm not sure" She frowned, trying hard to concentrate, to focus on what she's just seen.

"I think I know how he got me" She said, a ghost of a triumph playing on her tired face.

And, grabbing the stuffed dog Nick has given to her, she started sharing what she saw in her dream. "I was coming back from a meeting, a GA meeting, she corrected. I wanted to get home, but I didn't bring my car, so I was walking to the subway station when somebody called me".

"Called you?. By your name?" Nick asked

Amanda turned to look him in the eye "The voice called me '_Mandy_'. Nobody has called me that in a very long time." She shook her head, "anyway, I turned and everything went dark."

Amanda struggled to remember the kidnapper's face, what he was wearing, _anything_ that would help but she came back empty. Collapsing back onto the bed, she closed her eyes in defeat. "Sorry, I can't remember."

"It's okay!" Nick squeezed her hand gently. "We'll check the security around the area". He thought about the note left at Mrs. Devano's door, _maybe the lab had found a match by now_. He smiled confidently at her. "It's alright, Amanda. You remembered something and that is good. Warner said your memories would come back at different rates, there's no rush". He stoked her waxy hair, unwashed hair.

"Dr. Winters told me the same" She said absent-mindedly. Nick kept rubbing her hand gently when he felt her eyes boring in his face.

Turning to look at her, he read the panic in her blue depths. "What if he comes back and I'm not able to recognize him?"

* * *

"We have nothing to go on as far as evidence is concerned" Olivia said, as she looked at the results in her hands. Anyone could tell how frustrated she felt just by looking at her body language.

"There's not match in CODIS for the hairs found at the crime scene, they're not even a match to Amanda's" Said Fin, in an equally frustrated voice.

Turning to look at her friend and subordinate, Olivia asked "What about the blood?" a seer of hope in her eyes.

"The blood is not blood, detectives" Came Warner's voice as she came into the squad room, results in hand.

"What do you mean the blood is not blood?" Olivia asked, as the hope vanished from her eyes.

"Exactly that. It is a mixture of glucose and food colouring"

"You gotta be kiddin'!" Fin turned to look at Melinda, his brows furrowed. "What about the clothing, Amanda said those items were not hers" Fin's eyes widen as he posed the question.

"Dead end" stated Melinda. "Good brand, expensive, but, not unique" She shook her head. "All this information tells us is that, either the perp is wealthy or he stole the clothes. Aside from that, we have nothing"

"Great" Fin muttered under his breath.

"Did you find something at detective Rollins' apartment?" Warner asked as she saw both detectives in the verge of despair.

"Nothing inside" Olivia stated as she turned to look at Warner, a tired look in her face. And, standing up, she started pointing at the evidence they collected. "We took photos, we went through each and every room and drawer in the house but we came back empty. There were no marks on the front door or windows, and everything seemed untouched. However, we do know that the bastard was there as we got a match to Rollins' printer, it was the one used to print the vacation permit that was sent to my office."

"Also," Fin picked up where Olivia left off, " a note was taped onto Amanda's neighbour's door asking her to look after Frannie. We're still waiting on those results, even when, I'm not keeping my hopes up anymore"

Fin turned to look at Warner who had a funny look on her face.

"Frannie, her dog" He clarified.

"Oh!" Warner nodded.

"What if, he kidnapped Rollins first, and then, he came to her apartment and used her key to get inside?" Asked Olivia as she looked intently at the pictures displayed in front of her.

Both Fin and Warner nodded, that was a strong possibility.

"What about security footage?" Asked Warner as she saw the videos playing in one of the computers.

"We're on it, but nothing useful has come from them either" Fin said, sinking down on his chair.

"And what about you, detectives? How are you doing with all this? Warner asked, looking at both detectives in front of her

"We're hoping that the bastard didn't break her completely" Said Fin, as he toyed with the pencil in his hand.

Not taking her eyes from the computer screen, Olivia said, "she's alive, that is what matters."

Fin turned to look at his Sergeant and, as he looked the determined glare on her face, he wondered if memories of her awful experience with Lewis were haunting her in that moment.

* * *

"I will not let him harm you again" Nick stated

Amanda looked away and flinched as she licked her lips. They were cracked and sore after the nightmare.

Nick noticed her discomfort and turning to his left, he took the small bottle that was left earlier by one of the nurses. Taking off the lid, he took a small portion of the ointment with his fingers and very gently, applied it on her dry lips. It hurt at first and she cringed when she felt the skin of Nick's fingers against her lips. She had to fight hard not to push him away as she tried her best to focus on his gentle touch. Everything was okay, it was Nick's hands and she did her best to relax under his touch.

After he finished, he caressed her damp hair. He didn't care if it was covered in sweat, all he cared was Amanda and he now knew that this action soothe her. He kept on running his hand along her hair until she was relaxed enough to go back to sleep.

The idea of the bastard coming back for her made him boil with anger, but it also scared him a little. But he was sincere when he promised earlier that, this time, he was going to protect her no matter what.

Noticing that she was peacefully asleep, he took the stuffed dog and placed it next to her. He didn't want to leave her side, but he needed to call Liv and tell her what Amanda had remembered.

Now they knew where the abduction took place, the bad thing was that, after such a long time, it was going to be hard to find any plausible evidence. But he knew it was better than nothing as it was their only chance.

Very quietly, he stepped out of the room and dialled Liv's number. She answered on the second ring.

"Hey Nick, you're on speaker. Has Rollins remembered something?"

"Yeah! Rollins had a nightmare, she remembered being abducted on her way home after a GA meeting. She said that the guy called her 'Mandy', and that nobody uses that nickname on her" He said as he walked along the hospital corridor.

"Good. Anything else?" Olivia asked, as she wrote the information down in a piece of paper.

"No, she couldn't remember his face or anything else"

"Ok, Nick. Thanks. We'll check the security in the area, hopefully we'll be able to find a match to the one near Rollins' apartment."

With that, they ended the call.

* * *

"What's up, Liv?" Fin asked, leaning against his chair back rest.

"Something's off" Olivia turned to look at him, her eyes narrowed. "First, there is no viable evidence, all we got from the security near Rollins' building is the grainy photo of a man in a hoodie. And even when we had a suspect, there's no way for us to match it to this useless picture." She said discarding it on the table.

"What are you getting at?" Fin was having trouble keeping up with her.

"I think, I've been wrong all along" She said rubbing her forehead.

"What do you mean?" Fin came to stand next to her.

"What if Amanda is not his first victim?" She asked the question and let it sink in.

"Somebody would've come forward by now" Fin reasoned.

"Not if Rollin's is the only victim alive"

* * *

As he was entering the room, Nick saw Amanda struggling once again. He ran across the room to be with her and took her hand in his.

"Let me go." Amanda cried. She felt a sharp object cutting through her skin. Her body was sore and she felt weak, like she couldn't fight anymore.

Then a soothing feeling came over her body. Someone was taking care of her. But, it was not the same person that hurt her in the shadows, these hands were gentle, caring, these were Nick's hands.

"Nick" She mumbled his name in her sleep. "Please don't leave me. I don't want to be back in the darkness, please…" She pleaded.

Nick wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how. His hand clasped in hers didn't seem of much help anymore. Throwing caution to the wind and knowing that it was probably not the smartest move, he decided to climb into the bed with her. It was a risky move to take, but he couldn't think of another way to comfort her in that moment. Very gently, Nick wrapped his arms around Amanda as she rested her head on his chest and drift back to sleep.

"I'm here, I won't let you go back there" He mumbled against her hair as he hugged her a bit tighter.

But what if he was lying, what if he was unable to protect her? No, he shook his head, he was willing to do anything and everything to protect her no matter what.

And with that decision in his mind, he closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Amanda woke up to the feeling of someone lying next to her. She stiffened until she realized it was Nick. His head was resting against the headboard. He was peacefully asleep, his hold strong on her and she smiled, feeling safe in his arms

She moved her hand carefully from his and got in a more comfortable position as she pressed her head against his chest. She closed her eyes and relished in the feeling of his warm body against hers. His heartbeats drumming against her ears. He had been so nice to her. They have never been the closest of friends, or so she thought, but now, things have shifted between them. Taking a deep breath, she thought about the events that had happened since she was 'released'. She felt so dirty, so broken. She wanted to scrub her skin clean, she wanted to get her life back, she wanted to be strong again. Closing her eyes, she thought about what to do next. Even when she liked the idea of someone taking care of her the way Nick was, she needed to be able to take care of herself the way she has always done. Feeling Nick's breathing as his chest raised and fall under her cheek, she made a final decision.

She was happy to feel loved and protected, in a way she had never felt before, but it was time to get her confidence and strength back.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Nick's body stirring next to her.

"Good morning" She said, a soft smile playing on her lips as she turned to look at him.

"Mornin'" He answered sheepishly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…" He said as he awkwardly tried to move back to the chair, but Amanda stopped him.

"Don't. On the contrary, thank you" She looked intently at him and Nick could see that there was something different in her eyes. They were not hollow anymore, no, these eyes were alive and determined and he wondered what could've happened overnight that caused such change?

Just then, Fin arrived and found them lying on the hospital bed.

"Am I interrupting?" He asked, a playful smile on his lips.

"No!" both answered a bit startled by his presence.

"Good it was me and not Olivia the one who found you in bed." He said, a smirk on his face.

Growing a bit serious, he continued, "you most definitely need to go home, you look like crap" Fin said, aiming his comment to Nick.

Nick wasn't sure what to say. He did need a shower and a change of clothes, but he didn't want to leave Amanda's side, he has promised her to be there all the time..

Reading his thoughts, Amanda touched his arm gently. "Go. I'll be fine".

"Yeah! She'll be okay, I'm staying with her until you come back" Fin assured him.

Nick rubbed his neck "Ok! I won't be long" He said, as he grabbed his jacket from the chair's backrest.

"So, what was that about?" Fin asked in a mocking tone as soon as he saw Nick disappear through the door.

"Nothing" Amanda said, screwing her face at Fin's comment. "He was just… being nice," she shrugged and looked away. "I had a nightmare and he was just…chasing the demons away"

Fin noticed that she meant it and stopped the banter.

"How're you doin'?" He asked, taking a seat on the chair next to her bed.

"Better" She answered truthfully.

"I'm sorry, kid. I should've been there"

"Don't say that" She said, taking his hand in hers.

"I brought you some nice food, as I assume the one you've been given in this place sucks" He said, as he handed her a paper bag.

His comment made her smile and he felt good for it. "Thanks," she said, taking the paper bag from Fin's hands.

But instead of looking at the contents, she searched for his face.

"Did you see Frannie, is she okay?" She asked, biting down at her lower lip.

"Yeah! She's fine, Liv and I saw her. She's with your neighbour, Amaro didn't tell you?

"Yes, he did, but, he wasn't there. I needed to make sure that… that he didn't hurt her the way he hurt me" She stated.

"Well, that bastard didn't hurt her" He assured her, squeezing her hand.

"Good," she nodded as she felt relief swept through her body.

"Benson, on the other hand, is not doing so well. She feels awful, ya' know?"

"She shouldn't"

"That's what I told her. But since the last conversation she had with you was not in the best of terms…"

"I know. Either way, this is not her fault either. I'll talk to her, I promise."

They fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes as she went through the contents of the paper bag. A sandwich, some fruit and a carton of juice. Nothing fancy but definitely much better than the hospital food.

"I need to ask you a favour" she broke the silence.

"Anything" He said honestly.

"Do you have a pen and paper?" I just don't want you to forget about anything, she reasoned when she saw him looking at her.

He regarded her suspiciously as he took his booklet out and started writing down what she dictated.

"Why didn't you ask Amaro, he's been here for a long time" He said, as he finished writing and went over her request.

Because, I need _you_ to help me, Fin. You're my best buddy. She said with pleading puppy eyes.

"Isn't it because you know he would've said no?" He asked, his eyes narrowed.

"This is not about Amaro, Fin. It is about me. You promised you were gonna help me."

"And I will, but…" he hesitated. Even when he was happy to see Amanda so determined and strong, he was also worried about how fast she went from frightened and broken to strong and determined.

"No buts, Fin. I don't know who is the guy that abducted me or why, but I missed three weeks of my life to his hands and I refuse to lose one more second. I don't want to be a victim." She confided, just above a whisper.

"You're not a victim, Amanda." He said, looking intently at her.

She snorted. "You, Warner and Amaro should be giving pep talks, you know?"

"Huh?" He asked, confusion on his face.

"Never mind. The point is, this guy didn't break me. I'm determined to get my life back at any cost. Don't know if I'm ready, but I've been thinkin' and I'm resolved to take my best shot at it."

Looking at the determination written in her partner's eyes, Fin nodded. "That's my girl"

"Fin, now!" She hurried him with a smile on her lips.

"And one more thing" She called him just before he left. "Could you please call one of the nurses?"

She turned to the small table next to her bed and took the card Winters had given her the previous day. Taking it by the edges, she leaned back down as she saw Fin leave the room.

If she wanted her idea to work, she needed to cover all bases and Dr. Winters seemed to be a reliable guy.

She took a deep breath, now the ball was in her court, everyone kept telling her how strong she is. But her latest mistakes coupled with her current situation seemed to prove exactly the opposite. The only way in which she will believe that she's strong is until she could prove that to herself.

_tbc…_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Thanks so much for reading and reviewing :)

Here's the new chapter. I'm not so pleased with how the conversation between Amanda and Olivia turned out. I've always found Olivia difficult to write which is why I tend to avoid her at all costs :p However, this conversation was necessary, since Amanda cannot do whatever she wants when it comes to SVU and her work.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Worn out! That was how Nick felt when he finally arrived to his place. Totally and absolutely tired. Despite he had some sleep the previous night, it just didn't feel like enough. And he knew it had nothing to do with him doing lots of things in the past couple of days, but with the fact that, he had been extremely worried for Rollins. And, if he had to be honest with himself, he didn't really know why he had been so worried about her, all he knew was that, in that moment he felt the need to go back to the hospital, to be by her side and to make sure that everything is okay with her. Yes, he knew she was with Fin and he knew Fin was trustworthy enough and that he would take good care of her, but all that had happened, Nick felt like he couldn't really trust anyone and that he was the only one capable of looking after Amanda, he wanted to believe that he was the only person who could protect her.

When exactly did this dire need to protect Rollins started, he didn't know. Was it when he saw her crumbling apart after her GA's friend trial? Or when her sister tried to frame her for murder? Or did it go further back, when Brian Smith almost turned her into his next victim? Nick shook his head at the memory. That was when they had just met and, even when he couldn't deny the attraction he felt when he first saw her, she knew that back then, she was off limits… "Just as she is now". He said in a hopeless whisper.

But then, the thought of Amanda clinging to him for dear life asking him not to leave her, the soft smile that caressed her lips when she found him on the bed next to her, the way she had trusted him, despite everything that had happened to her… He sighed and shut his eyes tightly, the memories of what he had lived with her in the last hours becoming too much to bear because he knew that, they threatened to destabilize him as he couldn't deny the warmth that spread through his entire body, the twinge of desire that electrified him just by sensing her next to him. "No", he rubbed his temples, trying hard to shake those feelings. It was Amanda Rollins he was thinking about, his co-worker, the person with whom he argues the most, or rather, the person with whom he feels more comfortable to do so, he smiled at the realization. She exasperated him on so many levels, but she also made him feel alive and sometimes, she managed to make him feel like a nervous teenager, that he preferred to avoid her all along. And she also made him want to protect her from anyone and everyone despite he knew how strong she is.

Which is why, even now that she is so weak and broken, he couldn't deny the feelings that were embedded in him, and that had been there for a very long time.

* * *

With a smile on his face, he made his way to his room, the faster he finished what he came home for, the sooner he'll be back at Amanda's side.

It took Nick longer than he expected, as thoughts of Amanda refused to leave him, which made the tasks at hand a bit more difficult, but he finally managed to take a shower, put on some clean clothes and eat something before going back to the hospital.

Three hours after he left, he made his way back into Amanda's room and was genuinely surprised to find Fin sitting on the chair next to _Amanda's empty bed_ reading a magazine, and the person in question nowhere to be found.

"Where's Rollins?" Nick asked, rapidly scanning the room like a hawk with his big brown eyes.

Lifting his head from the magazine, Fin looked at Nick and noticed the worry in the younger man's eyes as he debated whether telling him what was going on, but decided against as he knew Amaro was more than capable of storming into the bathroom in order to knock some sense into Rollins, something that, in all honesty, he would've supported if it weren't because Rollins was pretty weak and the last thing his partner needed was for Amaro to criticize her decisions. Which is why Fin just pointed to the door that lead to the bathroom before resuming his reading.

* * *

Oblivious of what was going on in the other side of the door, Amanda was fighting her own battle as she gripped the sink with all the force she could muster and not for the first time she wondered whether her idea was as bright as she thought it was when it first came to her mind. The first irrefutable signs of the flaws in her plan came to her while she was taking a shower. She had to actually lean against the wall and grab and practically dig her fingertips to the flat slippery surface in an attempt to prevent falling flat on the floor.

She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to go through her plan as she was very weak as it was and she hadn't even started getting dressed. The towel around her body felt so heavy that she could feel the weight pulling her down. Looking at the clothes in front of her, wave of tiredness came to her and she almost changed her mind as the idea of going back to bed seemed extremely appealing. But, even when the idea of staying meant that she was going to be able to sleep and rest, it was also a synonym of more nightmares and victimization and she didn't want that as she decided that she had had enough. Plus, even when she stayed and slept for an entire week, something told her that she was going to wake up just as tired, since she was not just physically tired, but emotionally too.

Looking at her naked body, she closed her eyes tightly. Her arms and legs were covered in cuts and bruises and the wound in her abdomen looked awful as it hadn't healed yet. _How could a human being do this to another_? She shook her head as she knew that trying to find an answer for her question would take a lifetime and she certainly didn't have much time.

Flashing a smile in the mirror, she took a deep breath. For now, she felt clean and happy. And even when she could still feel the weight of the shadows on her shoulders, on her skin, she also knew that, with time, things were going to improve.

Turning her attention to the items in the duffle bag Fin had brought per her request, a ghost of a smile touched her lips as she noticed he had brought everything what she had asked for. The man was a dreamboat despite his tough appearance.

Casting one last glance at her reflection on the mirror, she said, her voice flat "Amanda, the victim, stays here". And with that statement, she got ready for her next task at hand, which was, getting dressed.

* * *

When both men listened to the door opening, they turned to find Amanda dressed in black slacks, a loose creamy long sleeved blouse and black flats. She was wearing her hair down, natural waves curled softly as her hair dried. She hadn't made an attempt to comb it or even to apply some make up to her bruised porcelain face.

The minute Nick saw her, he went to her side,

"What is going on, Rollins?. You're supposed to be resting" He said, as he scanned her face, his deep set eyes trying to read hers.

"I've rested enough," was her curt reply before she turned to look at Fin. "Do you have it?

"I do," he said, standing from the chair and getting ready to leave.

"Have what?" Asked Nick in confusion

"My discharge" She said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to answer.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't leave! You are not healed yet!" He said blocking her path as she made her way to the door.

Amanda sighed in frustration. She didn't have the time or the energy to argue with Nick.

"Even if I stay here for the rest of the week or even the month, I won't be. I need to get out of here in order to heal properly." She said, looking him in the eye.

"Rollins, look at yourself, you're not ready!" Nick turned to look at Fin for help, but he just held his hands up as he stood and left the room. He clearly didn't want to get in troubles with his partner.

"Says who?" She asked defiantly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Stay out of this, Amaro, this is my decision"

"So now I'm Amaro?" He asked, taking a step back. "And what exactly does it mean, Rollins? He asked, putting emphasis on her last name. "That if I'm not gonna help you then I should be getting out of your way. Is this a 'I'm either with you or against you' kinda thing?" He asked and she could feel the hurt emanating form each pore and it made her feel awful. He'd been so nice to her lately, even before the ordeal, that he most definitely didn't deserve that attitude from her.

"Don't say that," she said as she reached for his hand tentatively. "You must have an idea what this is like, you've spent time with me. You know that I need to do this and yes, I'm doing it with or without your support." She sighed and tried to calm a little. "I know you want to help me, but the truth is that, you can't. Nobody can protect me from what is in here", Amanda said, placing her finger in her head. "I need to get my sanity back and it won't happen if I continue in this hospital. I need out" Her voice was gentle but firm, letting Nick know that she appreciated his concern but that she wasn't backing down.

Nick listened intently to each and every word Amanda said. At first he was mad at her, but as the conversation progressed, he did his best to understand her. He was mesmerized by her strength and determination, as he realized that Amanda Rollins was a woman to be admired.

Without thinking, he took a few steps forward to close the distance between them, and putting his hands on her shoulders, he leaned down and kissed her lightly on her lips lingering longer than he should; savouring the feel of the velvet skin of her lips against his. Later, he would wonder what in heavens possessed him to take such a bold move, but in that very moment all he could think about was her fierce which made her even more beautiful to his eyes.

When he heard the brief intake of air, he pulled back immediately afraid that he might've hurt her, instead, her eyes were a mix of confusion, surprise and something more that he was unable to decipher but he knew that she wasn't mad.

He looked intently at her for a bit longer. Nick didn't want Amanda in harm's way. He wanted to protect her, just as he had promised. Especially now, that he had accepted to himself that he had always liked her. He knew he had the chance to be the man she needed and even when the situation was not the ideal by any means, he was happy to be able to be there for her. He smiled and looked at the ceiling.

Whether it were her pleading eyes, her determination, the fact that he knew how important it was for her to get her confidence back or that he was willing to do everything and anything for her, he didn't know but he found himself nodding.

"Thank you" She squeezed her arm before making her way to the table,

"What is that?" Nick pointed at the white envelope she's just taken.

"My safe passage back to SVU"

Nick gave her a look, his brows furrowed.

"You'll see," she smiled confidently.

Nick smiled back and opened the door for her.

Fin saw the exchange between the younger detectives. They were always fighting, but, somehow, despite their differences, they always patch things up. Sometimes it was fast like now, sometimes it took them a bit longer, but they always managed to fix their problems.

"Good that you've decided to show up, I was about to call for help" Fin said sarcastically and Amanda rolled her eyes.

"The doctor was very specific about the indications you should follow", Fin said giving Amanda a pointed look.

"And I bet you took note of everything, right?" She smiled cheekily.

"You bet." Fin winked at her.

* * *

From across the street, he saw his bird leaving the hospital. She was with two of her co-workers, he's seen them before. The image reminded him of a wounded goose and how if it gets sick or wounded a couple of other geese may drop out of formation to help and protect him. But his precious bird was no goose, and she wasn't in need of protection, at least not for long. The fire and determination in her eyes that captivated him from the start were back.

He'd been watching her, not as close as he would've wanted, but close enough to know that everything was ahead of schedule, _his _schedule. She has exceeded herself. She has proven to be much stronger that he thought and he knew she was doing it all for him, and wide smile spread on his lips at the realization.

But the smile faded as he noticed the arm of the younger detective around his bird's waist, he could tell he was supporting most of her weight and he didn't like it one bit. Rage flowed through his entire body and his fist clenched at his sides. He was engulfed with jealous anger as realization hit him. "I need to get you back, my precious bird. That man doesn't see you as a co-worker. I know the glare in his eyes, despite your broken state, he wants you. But you're mine, you'll always be mine. He's helping you the way I should be helping you. I'm the one who should be holding your broken wings, that is why I broke them in the first place, so I could be the one to fix them" Taking a deep breath, he tried his best to calm himself down as he knew the importance of keeping his emotions in check. The last thing he needed was to be spotted or to raise any suspicion, but he needed to come up with a solution and fast, even if it meant to take that detective out of his way.

* * *

When the elevator announced their arrival with a loud '_ding',_ Nick nudged Amanda slightly, her head was leaning against his shoulder as she had fallen asleep on the ride up.

"Are you sure about this?" Nick touched her cheek lightly and searched her eyes for an answer.

Amanda straighten up and blinked away the tiredness, her swampy eyes, fighting to stay open.

"Yes, I am," she finally said.

As they stepped out of the elevator, Fin noticed how Nick guided Amanda and he couldn't help but roll his eyes, not because Nick's actions bothered him, they didn't, but because just a couple of weeks earlier, the younger man had told him that he had nothing going on for Rollins. "Yeah, sure" Fin muttered under his breath,

Just before getting into the squad, Amanda pushed Nick away as gently as possible. She didn't want him to think that she didn't want him to help her or that she was unconformable, but she needed to do this by herself.

"Thanks for everything" she turned to look him in the eyes and offered him a smile. "But I need to this alone" She looked him in the eyes and nodding his head, he let her know that he understood the unspoken message.

As she walked into the room, her steps slow but determined, detectives and officers turned to look at her. They didn't dare to approach her, but they either bow their heads, a smile on their lips, or they held Amanda's glare as she walked to her place, letting her know that they admired her. Not everyday one of their co-workers went to hell and came back in one piece. They didn't know the details of Rollins' ordeal, but what they've heard were more than enough.

When Olivia turned to see the commotion outside her office, she spotted Rollins walking toward her desk and she couldn't believe her eyes. The woman was supposed to be in the hospital recovering and not at the precinct.

"Rollins, what are you doing here?" Olivia asked, approaching the younger detective.

Turning to look at Olivia, Amanda squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, "I work here, Sergeant" she said, holding Olivia's gaze.

Olivia regarded Amanda for a couple of seconds before turning her attention to the men standing behind Rollins. "You two brought her here?" Raising an eyebrow, Olivia asked them. Nick and Fin exchanged glances, they knew it was a rhetorical question as the answer was obvious.

Olivia sighed in exasperation and, without looking at Amanda she said, "my office"

Amanda smiled to herself as she followed Benson, this was exactly what she had wanted.

"I know you work here, what I meant is that you should be at the hospital, recovering" Olivia picked up where she had left off as she took in Amanda's appearance. She looked tired and skinny, but just like her co-workers before her, she also noticed the spark of determination in Amanda's eyes. She might look frail, even broken on the outside, but she could tell Rollins' spirit was intact.

"That is not an option, Sergeant. I need to be back, I need to get back to work, to keep my mind busy. I know I can be useful." Amanda said, the tone of her voice leaving no room for argument.

"I can't allow it," Olivia said, shaking her head.

"Why not? Because of my past mistakes? This," Amanda said, "has nothing to do with them." She said, shaking her head. "You know better than anyone what this is like. You know how important it is to keep your mind busy." Amanda paused, giving time for Olivia to process her words "Look," she said calming herself down a little. "I don't know if I'm up to this," Amanda said, trying to be totally honest, something she'd never been around Benson, "but I know that I need to be here working, or else, I will loose it. In the hospital all I did was think and sink myself deeper and I need out!" Amanda finished, her piercing blue eyes taking Olivia in with measured calculation. Amanda knew this was her only chance to convince her commanding officer and she wasn't going to waste it.

If Olivia noticed Amanda gripping the backrest for support as she spoke, she didn't say anything. Maybe she didn't want to embarrass Amanda by stating the obvious she was in no condition to go back to work. But then, her experience with William Lewis flashed in front of her, she hadn't been ready either and yet, she'd needed to keep her mind busy. Amanda was right, if someone understood what she's been through, it was her, as she had felt the same despair that she was seeing in Rollins eyes.

Amanda noticed that Benson was looking at her, after a pause, Olivia looked ready to speak, but Amanda beat her to it, she might not be able to gamble, but somehow, she still needed to feel in control

"I'll do whatever you ask me to. I'll stop when you say so and I'll play by your rules"

"What happened was not your fault" Olivia said sympathetically. Whether she said it for Rollins' sake or for her own, she didn't know.

Amanda snorted slightly. "You should join the club"

"Excuse me?" Olivia's brows furrowed in confusion.

"Never mind" Amanda was fast to answer, the last thing she needed was to upset Olivia with her comment. "What do you say, Sergeant?"

"I'll need a Psych evaluation" After a long pause that was killing Amanda, Olivia finally said.

Amanda smiled upon listening to Olivia's request,. She had convinced her and for a second, she was in such a high due to her achievement that she felt indestructible.

"I have it already" Amanda said, handing Olivia the white envelope that Dr. Winters had given her before she was discharged.

"The psychiatrist at Bellevue gave it to me. His name is Samuel Winters, Amaro met him briefly, it's not bogus" Amanda assured Olivia in case weird ideas crossed her mind.

Taking the envelope from her subordinate's hand, Olivia regarded the young detective carefully. There was no deny in it, Rollins was too strong for her own good.

"Please", Amanda continued adding extra facts in order to secure her return to SVU. "Your monster is in jail, mine, I don't even know what he looks like" Olivia nodded slightly as she recognized the truth in that statement.

"You're bound to your desk. No field work, no interrogations, just fill in reports until I say otherwise. Is that clear?" She said, giving Amanda a pointed look.

"Yes, Sergeant," Amanda nodded enthusiastically.

"And, you won't be alone at any time as we have no idea why this guy let you go" _And he could be watching you_, but she decided to keep this last though to herself.

"As I said, I'll do anything" Amanda assured her.

Nick turned his head to Olivia's office, he could see both women talking and he wished he could be there. He knew Amanda wasn't ready to be back, but that was what she wanted and he wanted to make sure that she got it, for her own sanity. Though he doubted Benson was going to be as easy to convince as he was.

Turning to Fin, he busied himself asking about the case, as he had no idea if they had something new since he was last briefed the previous night. "Do we have something on the security footage near the street where Rollins was abducted?"

"Taru says there's nothing. Not even a match to the man on the hoodie that we saw in the previous vids, the ones from near Rollins' apartment." Fin clarified. "Some of the tapes were recycled and they're still tryin' to clean it in order to get an image from that day, but it's a long shot. Others, " he said, pointing at the screen, "show Rollins standing here, but there's no one anywhere near her."

"What about the note? The one that was left at Mrs. Devano's door? Have they been able to get something useful from it?" Nick asked, standing from his desk and walking towards Fin.

"Nothin'. No prints, no epithelial on the tape, no nothin'. He must've been wearing gloves and most likely, he was using some kind of overshoes too, as we were unable to find any footprints or fibbers in Rollins' apartment either, not even in the carpet." Fin turned to look at Nick, he knew the younger detective was as frustrated and disappointed as he was.

"So we have nothing?" Nick snapped, rubbing his face with his hands..

"What about the drugs? Have the results come back yet on the drugs he used to subdue me during my captivity? Is there any way to trace them or to al least know how he might've got them?" Amanda asked as she got out of Olivia's office.

She noticed that her questions got both of her co-worker's attention. And just for a split second she felt like her skills could be put to good use. Maybe the results were back already, maybe they weren't, but knowing that she could actually help to solve her _own_ case made her feel great, somehow, she felt that she was on her way to recovery, moreover, she was taking the first steps to get her life back.

_tbc…_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Thanks so very much for the ones who take the time to read and review. Your opinion is very important to me.

Here's the next chapter, let me know your thoughts on it, I hope you like it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Nick and Fin turned to look at Amanda, both men clearly shocked to see her there asking questions, and not because it actually surprised them to see her at the precinct since they drove her there or because her questions didn't make sense, because they absolutely did, but because Olivia didn't kick Amanda back to the hospital as they were positive that she would do. Neither of them were expecting Olivia to let her stay, however, it was evident Rollins had found a way to convince their superior.

Without waiting for a reply, Amanda walked past both men and took a seat at her desk, her firm step and body language surrounded by a halo of triumph.

Nick and Fin turned to look at Olivia, who offered a brief nod before re-entering her office closing the door behind her.

"So, you made it?" Nick asked her, walking casually towards her desk

"I did." She answered confidently.

"How did you convince Liv?" This was Fin's turn to ask, as he came to sit across from her.

"Are you implying I shouldn't be here?" Lifting one eyebrow, Amanda countered with another question in a clear attempt to avoid answering Fin's. Amanda wasn't willing to share with them what had transpired in Benson's office. While both of her co-workers knew the ordeals both Olivia and she had gone through, Amanda didn't want to tell them how she got to convince Benson to let her stay as she used both her sergeant's and her own weaknesses and breaking points- probably the worse experiences they've both gone through so far in their lives. She wasn't proud of the resources she used, but she knew it was the only way in which she could relate to Benson.

After a couple of seconds of not getting another response, Fin understood that Amanda wasn't willing to talk about her conversation with Olivia and he decided not to push, if Amanda wasn't willing to talk, there was nothing he could do to convince her otherwise.

The squad fell into a comfortable silence. At some point, after his question was disregarded by Amanda in such a subtle way totally characteristic of his partner, Fin went to Warner with the pretext of putting some pressure on the results or any information the lab might have on the drugs used on his partner. Since Amanda opened that window, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was the breakthrough they were looking for.

Looking at the almost deserted squad, Nick looked from one side to the other, noticing that nobody was paying attention to him, he took that as an opportunity and went to Amanda's desk. He came to stand next to her, his proximity startled her a little, as her mind was somewhere else.

"You happy to be back?" He asked her, taking a sip of his can of soda

"That is what I wanted" A few strands of hair falling in her face as she turned to look at him.

"That is not what I asked" He answered, his eyes never leaving hers.

She held her gaze for a moment, but, at some point, the pressure was too much and she turned away

"Happy?" She muttered under her breath and she wandered is she will ever feel happy about something again.

"Nick, a word?" Breaking the silence, Olivia's voice filled the squad room, as she requested for Nick's presence in her office.

Nick looked at Amanda for a bit longer, walking backwards to Olivia's door.

"Look, I was just" Nick stuttered as he entered Benson's office, convinced that she was going to mention something about him being too close to Rollins or something of that sort. Instead, Olivia surprised him by asking him something totally unrelated, well, not entirely as it was related to Rollins, but not to his attitude towards her.

"Dr. Winters, do you know him?" Olivia asked, her eyes fixed on a sheet of paper in her hands.

"Huh?" Nick furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Dr. Samuel Winters" Olivia repeated, this time, giving Nick the full name. "Rollins told me you met him briefly at Bellevue, when you were there with her" She turned to look at Nick, slightly waving the paper in her hands.

"Oh Winters, yes!" Nick nodded. "He is a Psychiatrist. He has his private practice in Manhattan, but he is a volunteer at Bellevue three times a week. Never married, no kids" Nick finished, as he plopped down in one of the chairs.

"Wow! I thought Rollins said you met him briefly" Olivia couldn't hide her surprise as she wasn't expecting such details about the doctor.

"I did, but I dug further. After he came to Rollins' room, I decided to ask some of the nurses about him, I wasn't going to risk it, not after what she went through. He's solid, if that's your concern." He finished.

"Solid, but…," she looked closely at Nick's body language as he spoke about the Psychiatrist, "you don't like him" Olivia stated rather than asked.

"It's a shrink, I don't do good with shrinks" Nick dismissed Olivia's comment with a shrug.

Olivia narrowed her eyes, something was bothering Nick about the doctor and something told her it had nothing to do with the man's profession.

* * *

Looking that Nick was still in Olivia's office, Amanda prayed that he didn't say anything to her that may make Olivia change her mind about having her back. _Why did you find so difficult to give an affirmative answer to his question?_ Letting out a puff of air, she closed her eyes. She needed to be there, if only for the sake of her own sanity.

Placing both hands on her desk, she pushed herself up and slowly made her way to the lockers. She took her gun and shield and held them in her hands for a moment, examining them as a lot of things came to her mind. Had the guy known that she was law enforcement when he chose her? _Why did you let me go?_ _Did you find me so boring?_ She shook her head, the idea worried Amanda, not because of the kidnapper's feelings towards her, but because he might've let her go because he found someone else. What if he had kidnapped another woman now and was putting her through the same hell he put her? The idea upset Amanda even further, thinking of another woman going through that nightmare made her feel awful… _Nobody deserves that_" She said, running a hand across the wound in her abdomen. _Nobody does…_

Grabbing her gun and shield, she adjusted them in the loose waist of her pants. It was the first time that she felt the weight of her gun as it seemed to pull her down, but she didn't mind. It made her feel protected. _"If you ever chose to come back for me, next time, I'll be ready for you"_. She said it to herself and she meant it.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw Nick coming out of Olivia's office and she made her way back to her desk, knowing how nosey Amaro could be, she didn't want to answer any questions about why she had retrieved her gun back.

Deep down, she was waiting for Benson to ask her to leave, and felt relieved when she didn't. Apparently, Amaro had kept to his word and that made her feel good. He seemed to be trustworthy after all.

Just then, Fin came into the squad room, results in hand.

"You are a very smart girl," he said to Amanda before he turned his attention to the rest of the team.

"Melinda found traces of alprazolam and chlordiazepoxide"

"English, please" Said Nick, confused by Fin's words

Fin rolled his eyes, as he proceeded to explain Warner's findings. "Both drugs are from the benzodiazepines family. They are both used for generalized anxiety disorders. The chlordiazepoxide can also be used in animals and it has a sedative and hypnotic effects. This was the one that Warner was able to find without a problem as it has a medium to long-half life. It was all over your plasma.

The other one, the alprazolam wasn't easy to detect at all, but due to the amnesia that you present, Wrner assumes this is one of the drugs that was administered to you as it has an anxiolytic, sedative, hypnotic and amnesic properties.

"Are they easy to obtain? Olivia asked

"According to Warner, you need a prescription here in the States in order to get'em as they controlled substances.

"So, we're talking about someone who is either a doctor or is in medical school?" Asked Nick

"No, no med school" Amanda interjected. "He's not that young"

"How do you know? Have you remembered something? You said you never had the chance to see him"

"I didn't, but this", she said, shuffling through the pages of her own file, "was not pulled by a disorganized teenager or young man"

"She has a point, " said Olivia

"And we cannot narrow it down to only doctors, as it is used by veterinarians and some other people in the field of scientific research too." Fin offered, as he sat down at his desk.

"Great, so we can narrow it down, but not enough" Nick said, throwing his hands in the air in pure frustration.

They were disappointed. Even when they have found a reliable lead, it was taking them to a dead-end.

For a second, Amanda closed her eyes as she felt her fatigue took her whole body. She was so very tired, and she knew she hadn't done much. Her intelligence had been put to good use, and even when her body hadn't moved much, she felt like she had run a marathon.

With her eyes still closed, she rubbed her temples, this was the third day after she's been released and she wondered if the much needed sleep will actually help. If only it could provide the rest she so desperately needed.

Opening her eyes, she noticed three sets of eyes looking at her and she felt embarrassed.

"Sorry", she muttered under her breath before going back to her desk.

"I think you've done enough for one day, Rollins" Said Olivia, looking intently at her subordinate as she took a seat in her chair.

Amanda met her gaze and she understood the unspoken message behind her sergeant's glare. They had a deal and she was supposed to abide by it.

"I guess, I'm going to my place, then." She said standing up

"You cannot go back there, what if he comes back? Fin asked, concern in his brown eyes.

"I can go to a hotel." Amanda offered with a shrug.

"No." said Nick from his desk. "A hotel is not safe. You can crash at my place, the house is too big anyway" Nick said, grabbing his jacket and coming to stand next to her.

Amanda tensed a little as she lowered her head. She was convinced Olivia was going to say something. She'd implied in the past that they were acting like partners and this attitude of Nick was only confirming it. _Why did he have to be so damn controlling? _

"That's a good idea" Olivia agreed to everyone's surprise, even Fin turned to look at her, his mouth open.

Once Nick and Amanda left, Fin turned to Olivia "Have you just agreed to Amaro's idea, why?"

"Because, the idea of Rollins in a hotel upsets me, Nick is right, it's not safe. She needs to be with someone and honestly, now I cannot think of a better person to take care of her than Amaro, and you?"

"And now, you gotta point, Serg!"

* * *

Once in the parking lot, Nick hurried to open the door for her. It was weird to see Nick acting like that around her, but she found herself liking it more than she should.

"Would you like us to go to your apartment to pick up some of your clothing?" He asked once they were both inside.

He noticed that she hesitated a little "Or we can go a buy new things?" He gave her another option.

"I'm not rich" Playing with her hands in her lap, she shook her head.

"I can help you, you'll pay me later" He offered.

"No, thanks. I guess it's better if we go to my apartment" She said, not daring to look at him.

Amanda's cheeks were red with embarrassment at Nick's offer. She felt overwhelmed at how sweet Nick has been lately, especially since he first saw her in the hospital's floor. Suddenly, she remembered the kiss and her fingers went to her lips as a soft smile formed in them. She was so invested in winning the argument that she didn't think much about it. He'd kissed her and she had liked it. Even when she didn't say anything at the moment, it made her feel good. But just as it came to her mind, she dismissed it and thought of it as just spur of the moment kind of thing. She's thought about kissing him too, on several occasions, especially during or after one of their heated arguments, so she imagined it was what happened to Amaro that morning.

The ride to her apartment was made in silence, they didn't say a word after she decided that it was better to go and get some of her clothes since she wasn't going to buy a new wardrobe.

When they arrived, Nick went to her side to, once again, open the door for her but she beat him to it. As much as she liked this side of Nick, she thought it was better to keep things on a professional level, as she didn't want to send the wrong signals to Nick, when she was in such unstable position herself.

As they came to Amanda's door, she reached for her gun before entering her apartment, she didn't take it out, just touched it. A gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Nick

Once they pushed the door open, they both noticed that Amanda's apartment didn't look like a crime scene at all, the place was neat and everything seemed to be in its place and that made Nick mad. The guy had taken so much care of everything he did that it was becoming nearly impossible to determine his identity.

While Amanda went to her room to get some of her stuff, Nick went to Mrs. Devano's apartment to pick Frannie up. The old woman felt so bad for not having noticed what really happened to Amanda that she kept on apologizing all the time Nick was there. She even gave him some homemade food for him to share with Amanda in an attempt to fix her mistake. At first, Nick wasn't sure about accepting, but he ended up doing it, as he realized it was going to help the old woman to feel better. It hadn't been her fault and most likely, it would've not changed the outcome. The guy had come to Amanda's place after the abduction, he didn't let Mrs. Devano see him, how could her suspicious be of real help?

Before leaving her apartment, Mrs. Devano asked him, one more time, to apologize to Amanda on her behalf for not suspecting and not going to the police.. She also offered to look after Frannie, but Nick declined the offer, as he knew how worried Amanda had been for her dog. Nick knew Amanda needed her friends with her, and Frannie most definitely fell in that category.

When Nick came back to Amanda's place, he went to the kitchen to get some dog food before joining Amanda in her room. He found her staring blankly at her closet. He definitely understood why she was so wary about getting things from her apartment. The guy most like had gone through them without leaving a trace, he might've used gloves, but his heavy essence remained.

"How do I know what was touched and what wasn't?" She asked in a whisper

Nick looked at her, not knowing what to say at first, but then, he made the choice for her.

"C'mon on, the toiletries we can buy on the way home, you can wear one of my shirts to sleep in and your clothes, well, we can have them washed by tomorrow. Nothing a washing machine could not fix" He offered her a smile.

She turned to look at him, and was tempted to protest that some of her lingerie was not to be washed in the washing machine, but she rolled her eyes to herself, _who was she kidding?_ At that point, she was more than willing to throw them to the trash!"

"Wait" She said as she remembered. She went to the back of her closet and took some clothes she knew or at least hope he hadn't touched as they were inside some boxes. She hadn't come around to put them in the closet since her sister took her furniture almost two years back.

Amanda was determined to not be this guy's victim anymore. He might've kidnapped her and hurt her, but the battered, defenseless woman stayed in the hospital.

Nicked looked while she retrieved some clothes, and offered her a duffel bag to put them.

"Would you like to grab some dinner on the way home, maybe going somewhere?" Nick asked her as he saw her closing the zipper.

Amanda looked at him, her blue eyes giving away how tired she was.

"Or we can have what Mrs. Devano gave me. I don't know what it is but it smells really good." He offered with a smile as he could see she wasn't in the mood for going somewhere.

"Yeah! I think it's best. Plus, Mrs. Devano is an excellent cook." She smiled at him, but as soon as she turned away, the smiled disappeared from her lips and was replaced by a mix of sadness and worry.

"Hey, you're safe now". Nick slipped her arm around her and helped her with the bag.

When they went to the living room, Amanda saw Frannie for the first time in almost a month, safe and sound like her friends had told her, and she went to hug her and pet her behind the ears. Nick smiled broadly as he saw that both girls were ecstatic to see each other.

He hated it when he had to break the moment, but it was getting late.

."Here, let me help you," he clasped the leash onto Frannie's collar.

"I can take her" Amanda said a bit annoyed, taking the leash from Nick's hand. "I may be a bit fragile, but I'm not broken." She let him know, in an unwavering, clear voice.

"I know." He nodded, never leaving her gaze.

* * *

Nick and Amanda were too busy to notice him, but he saw them perfectly from his spot above the stairs. Why is he hugging you again? Had you remembered, is that why you're back at your apartment? Because you want me to visit you? If, so, why aren't you calling for me, why did you bring that co-worker of yours here? Why do you allow him to touch you in such an intimate way?

Looking at the scene unfolding right before his eyes, his bird being helped by another man, he clutched the key to Amanda's apartment in his fist so tightly that the shape might've been engraved in the palm of his hand.

He followed them down, a few steps behind to avoid being caught by their eyes. He soon realized how wrong he had been when he saw his bird getting in the car of that man.

Rage ran through his system. "I should've taken the dog, maybe you have known that way how much I care."

* * *

The way to his house was made in silence. He had realized from the previous ride that Amanda was not in a talkative mood. When Nick pulled into his driveway, he noticed that Amanda was looking out of the window.

Tentatively, Nick reached for her wrist and touched it lightly. He wasn't expecting the jolt of electricity that ran through his body when his fingers touched her soft skin. _Get a grip on yourself,_ Nick scolded himself. _She might not be mad at you for kissing her, but she's not thrilled either by your action as she hadn't mentioned it_.

Amanda jumped slightly at the feeling of his hand on her wrist. "Sorry", she smiled at him. "My mind went somewhere else". She regarded him carefully, she looked at his face taking in all his facial features, paying extra attention to his lips. _Less than 24 hours ago, he kissed me with those lips_… she rolled her eyes internally at the thought, and brought her attention back to his eyes.

"Everything okay?" He asked, when he noticed her watching.

"Yeah!" She turned to take off the seatbelt. But she didn't tell him that, the reason why she'd been watching him that way was because she had indeed enjoyed the kiss and because she had realized that, right now, he was all she had to keep her sane.

As they made their way into the house, Nick showed her around, as Amanda had never been to his place.

"You'll take my room, and I'll take Zara's", he said, placing her bag on his bed.

"No, I'm staying in Zara's bedroom. I bet the bed is too small for you anyway." She said, taking her bag from his bed. "Frannie and I will be ok in your daughter's room. Unless of course you don't want a pet to be in Zara's room", she turned to look at him a bit concerned at the prospect of not being able to have Frannie by her side.

"No, it's okay". Nick felt bad that she rejected his room, but he didn't say anything.

Nick sensed that she was scared, maybe at the hospital, he didn't notice it because of the people around her, but now there were just the two of them, plus Frannie. Or maybe she was uncomfortable with the situation.

Looking around, he tried to think about something he could say or do to make her feel better. Suddenly, it came to his mind.

"Would you like to take a shower?", Nick offered, maybe this way she would relax a little.

Amanda turned to look at him, his finger pointing at Zara's bathroom as she considered his offer. She had taken a bath already, but the truth was that, she wasn't feeling comfortable at the moment and maybe a shower will help her. She couldn't- or rather- didn't want to get more drugs into her system, so a shower was the only option left. But there was something to consider before accepting.

Biting down at her lower lip, she looked down at her clothes "would you help me?" She hesitated before asking the question, but she knew that she couldn't do it on her own. The hospital gown was easy, but the blouse was a complete different story.

"Sure", he said, as they walked to the next room.

Nick stood by the door, Amanda was giving him her back, but even in that position, he sensed the tension in her. Taking a few steps forward, he touched her arms lightly and turned her to face him. "It's okay," he told her, and, lifting her chin so her eyes could meet his, "just, keep your eyes on mine," he gave her a reassuring smile.

He did his best to keep his mind blank, to convince himself that this was his partner and that the only reason why he was about to undress her was because she needed his help.. He did his best not to see her as a woman, or more specifically, not to see her as the woman that he found extremely attractive and that he happened to like a lot. But when he reached underneath her blouse, his hand brushed the soft skin of her sides, it got complicated as he struggled to breath. Nick could feel her body reacting to his touch, but he focused at the task at hand and dismissed the feeling, doing his best to convince himself that it was just a natural reaction.

Lifting the blouse over her head, his eyes darkened with lust as he noticed that she wasn't wearing anything underneath. His eyes traced over her upper naked body, until they came to rest on her breasts. They were small but perfect and they were heaving with each breath, her nipples like pebbles, a flush on her face and he wondered if it was because of the cold bathroom, or because of him. He wanted to reach his hand and touch her, but something inside him stopped him, as he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.

His eyes went to hers, afraid that she might be upset by his reaction, instead, he noticed that they were darkening too, as they looked more like navy blue instead of their normal shade. Amanda took a step forward, but he backed away as a reflex action

"I'll wait outside, call if you need something." He said, practically running away from his feelings and hers

He left Amanda standing alone in the cold bathroom, confused and deeply hurt by his actions as she was convinced that he had left because he felt repulsed by the scars her body was marred with.

As soon as Nick leave Zara's bathroom, he went straight to his room and closed the door behind him, as if he were hiding from something dangerous. Rubbing his face with both hands, he thought about what could have happened if he didn't leave that bathroom on time. He had wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to be with her, but the voice of reason told him that it wasn't right, that she was vulnerable and he just couldn't and shouldn't take advantage of her. 'It's not right, Amaro' He scolded himself as he made his way to his bathroom, he needed a cold bath and he needed it now.

After they both finished, they ate in silence what Miss Devano had made for them. Neither of them willing to mention what had happened.

When they were done with their meal, Nick offered to wash the dishes while she got ready to sleep. And he was genuinely surprised to find her on the couch waiting for him as he left the kitchen.

"Everything okay, do you need anything?" He asked her, his voice laced with concern, but he didn't dare to approach her.

Pursing her lips together, she nodded. "I was just wondering if you'd like to watch some TV with me" She said, her voice soft.

Nick's brows furrowed in confusion at her request. He had thought that she would not have wanted to be alone with him ever again, that maybe she was scared of him, but she didn't seem to be upset with him, quite the opposite. Or maybe, she considered the couch to be safe ground.

Amanda saw the confusion on his face and for a moment she was scared that he may turn her down. After what he saw in the shower, she figured he would never want to be anywhere near her as a woman, but maybe they could still spend time as friends. She knew the kiss at the hospital was all she was ever going to get from him and now she congratulated herself for not showing any emotion then, as she would feel awful now after his rejection.

"Sure," he said, as he made his way to the couch and sat next to her. She scooted a bit closer and tentatively, placed her head on his shoulder. Nick tensed when she felt her so close to him, but didn't move. They watched the movie mostly in silence, which was broken by Amanda's occasional snort or Nick's short comment.

An hour and a half later, as the credits roll, Nick noticed that Amanda was fighting to keep her eyes open. Moving slightly to face her, he noticed that, she was hugging the stuffed dog he had given her.

"I thought you had left it at the hospital" He said, a smile on his lips.

"No way." She shook her head, but didn't turn to face him.

Taking the toy from her arms, he took the dog's leg and, like he did at the hospital, he dabbed her lightly with the toy's paw right between her eyes. "Close your eyes, Amanda. Frannie and I will watch your sleep, I promise. Right girl?" He looked at Frannie, who moved her ears at the mention of her name, her head resting on her owner's calf.

After a moment, Amanda succumbed to the soft feeling in her nose and smiled.

"Thank you" her words blurred by sleep.

"For what?" He asked, lowering his voice.

"For having my back," she said, before succumbing to sleep.

As she closed her eyes, Nick pulled her to him. She was now half on top of him, but he didn't mind, quite the opposite.

Making sure that his gun was within reach, he fell asleep confident that, if something happened, he would be able to protect her.

Amanda had some nightmares, but they didn't plague her sleep and were not nearly as bad as the ones she had at the hospital. When he felt her body tensing as a result of a bad dream, he hugged her tightly and spoke softly to her and she went back to sleep almost immediately, the exhaustion in her stronger than her nightmares, but he wasn't sure it was always going to be like that.

The next day, Nick woke to the sound of his alarm. He noticed Amanda was pretty much in the same position and debated whether waking her up or not. Maybe it would be better for her to stay and rest, but he knew she would not have that. Plus, he wouldn't be able to take care of her properly as he was determined to not let her out of his sight.

Nick placed a kiss on the top of her head, before he woke her up gently and was happy to see the enthusiasm in her face as they got ready to work.

* * *

The day at the office was slow. Amanda was confined to her desk filling reports and she was bored as she realized it was the worst thing ever, but she didn't have a choice. Benson had stated her terms clearly

She noticed Nick casting glances her way, memories of his darkened eyes plagued her mind, but she shook them away. '_Don't flatter yourself Rollins, the last thing he wants is you.' _

She hid a little from his gaze, she used to feel comfortable in her own skin, but not anymore.

Nick noticed that he was making her feel uncomfortable and turned his attention back to his paper work.

"What are you thinkin'?" Came Fin's voice. Looking intently at her, he cocked his head to the side 'You don't look good, have you had breakfast? cuz I remember the sandwich I gave you yesterday before you left the hospital, you barely touched it."

Not waiting for a reply, he turned to look at Nick "Has she eaten? Fin's voice was laced with concern for his partner and Nick found himself at loss words. She had indeed eaten, but not enough.

"You're eatin' like a bird." Said Fin, looking at his partner.

Just as the words had slipped Fin's mouth and were registered by Amanda, the colour drained from her face and she swallowed hard.

Nick noticed the change in her and immediately went to her side, "are you okay?", he asked, placing his hand on her arm.

"Don't call me that!" Amanda raised her voice

"What!" Fin said, confusion written all over his face.

"Don't say that I eat like a bird," she turned to look at Fin, a combination of horror and confusion in her eyes.

"That… that is what he called me… his bird." She finally said, more to herself than to them, but it was loud enough for them to listen.

_tbc…_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N**: Thanks so much for your reviews and for taking the time to read the story.

Sorry it took me so long to update, I've been trying to post this chapter since last week, but a rejection code G1 or something like that prevented me from logging in. But the ud is finally here, I hope you like it. As always, your reviews are much appreciated.

I want to dedicate this chapter to **dreams. and. lovers** (ff)/, I hope that, what happens in it is to your liking.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"What's the commotion all about?" Olivia asked, coming out of her office. She noticed that Amanda was breathing heavily, as if trying to steady herself, her hands gripping the edges of her desk so hard that her knuckles were becoming white.

Benson turned to look at her detectives before focusing her attention on Rollins, whose eyes were locked in Fin's as if she were trying to find some protection in her partner's soft calmed brown eyes.

"Rollins, are you all right?" Olivia was confused, nobody was saying anything, but she could sense the tension radiating from each of her detectives.

"No, I'm not." Amanda mumbled as she stood and walked to the elevators in slow motion, the weight of her memory like a heavy rock on her shoulders.

Nick made an attempt to follow Amanda, but Olivia stopped him. She had no idea what was going on but she was determined to find out.

"You and Fin make a list of all the doctors, pharmacist, suppliers and other people that might've been in contact with the drugs that were administered to Rollins in the last six weeks." Olivia said, before going after Amanda.

I didn't take Benson long to find Rollins, as she was standing next to the coffee truck outside the precinct, her glare lost in the hot liquid inside the styrofoam cup she was holding in both hands.

Olivia considered asking the question again, but she decided to get herself a cup of coffee first, before coming to stand next to her subordinate.

"You left the station in quite a hurry" Olivia said, taking a sip of her coffee. She waited for a response from the woman standing next to her, but it didn't come, so she proceeded in a soft voice. "What happened upstairs, Amanda?"

Turning her attention to her sergeant, Amanda squared her shoulders a little and took a deep breath before answering her superior's question. "Something Fin said," she shrugged, looking up at Olivia. "He said that I was eating like a bird and just like that," she snapped her fingers "It came to me. That's what my captor called me, _his bird_" Amanda finished, biting the interior of her cheek.

"Do you have an idea why he called you that?" Olivia moved to stand in front of Amanda

"No" Amanda shook her head.

"What about the sound of his voice?" Olivia asked her, hoping to get more clues that may lead them to identify Amanda's captor.

"Nah. Actually, I'm not entirely sure it's a real memory or something that I think I heard him saying.

"Isn't it kind of the same thing?" Olivia knitted her brows not quite following Amanda's reasoning.

"I guess so. What I mean is that, I'm not entirely sure he called me that fully aware that I was listening to him or when he thought I was unconscious. I mean, I know he called me that, but I don't know if he did it on purpose of not." Amanda rubbed her forehead with one hand. "Sorry, I know that what I'm saying doesn't make much sense, it's just that, I'm so very confused right now, I'm not sure of anything." She finished with a sad smile as she took a sip of her coffee.

"Okay" Olivia nodded. "Listen, I know that the psychiatrist from Bellevue says you're fit to be back, but, have you considered talking to someone? Benson's face became heavy with concern.

Amanda turned to look at Olivia clearly upset by her superior's comment.

"Not to determine whether you should be here or not" Olivia hurried to clarify "as we both know the answer to that, but to help you remember. What you've talked to us Fin, Nick, I…is not enough and you know it. Not to mention that, a professional will know the right questions to ask in order to help you get some useful memories back"

Amanda shook her head. "You heard what Fin said, Warner found drugs in my system, the dosage that was administered to me was specifically to make sure that I didn't remember"

"If it's so, then, why some glimpses of what happened to you have been coming back? Olivia lifted one eyebrow. "He let you go, so at least we can assume that he felt comfortable and sure that you were not going to remember him and turn him to the police, but then why not double the dosage instead and make fully sure that you weren't going to remember ever anything of what happened to you?"

"What are you getting at?" Amanda's voice became agitated. "Do you think he actually wants me to remember what he did to me?"

Olivia saw how abashed Amanda was by the possibility, so she didn't say anything.

"What are you thinking? C'mon, don't stop now" Amanda demanded, sensing that Benson wasn't sharing her thoughts with her.

Olivia was worried for her subordinate, she didn't want to be straight forward with her, but she didn't want to hold back anything either. She knew that, should the roles were reversed, she would appreciate the honesty. "There's a possibility that, he's waiting for you to remember" Olivia looked at Amanda, her eyes full of sympathy for her.

"What for? Why?. I mean, I… I don't understand" Amanda stuttered.

"I don't know either, Rollins, But if you really want to get your life back, and to feel safe again, I think that you need to know who you…" Olivia pointed at Amanda but rectified almost immediately as she continued, "we are up against and the only way to know that is to try to get as many memories back as possible".

Amanda desperately shook her head upon listening to Olivia's words. "What if I don't want to remember?

"I know that is the last thing you want, and I know how hard it can be, but you are the only one who has the key to solve the case." Olivia said sympathetically.

"What if no matter how hard I try they don't come back?" Amanda was in the verge of tears, not only because she was scared of what she might uncover, but because she was equally worried that the answer to all the questions were so deeply buried in her mind that she might never find them.

Olivia walked closer towards Amanda and placed one reassuring hand on her shoulder "most likely, most of them won't come back, but there are others that most certainly will and those bits and pieces are the ones that might lead us to catch your attacker"

Amanda swallowed hard as she wiped away one tear furiously, Olivia's words fully registering in her.

* * *

When both women went back, Nick and Fin were almost done with the list Olivia had requested. The task was usually one that would take a lot of time, but given the circumstances, both men did their best to work as fast as possible. Anything to help their friend and co-worker.

As the officers brought the members of the list into the precinct, the detectives started questioning them in the different interrogation rooms. Nobody was arrested or forced to come, but the officers made sure to let them know that, it was in their best interest to cooperate as they were needed to be cleared of accusations involving a police officer.

As per Olivia's orders, Amanda didn't help with the interrogations because of her direct connection with the case, but Benson asked her to remain in her desk in order to be able to see the different men that arrived. If Fin's comment had sparked a memory, maybe if she heard the men's voices or saw their faces, despite she had said that she had been blindfolded all the time, maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to recognize something about her captor, something that was deeply hidden in her mind. Or maybe, the guy would betray himself by paying too much attention to Amanda, after all, he hadn't been close to her since he set her free, or so they thought.

Men came and went as they were brought in. Amanda made sure to look at all of them as they entered and to listen to their voices when they gave their names to the detectives in charge of the interview. Occasionally, Fin would make a funny face to her direction in order to lighten the mood a little before getting into the interrogation rooms in an attempt to make Amanda smile. He still felt guilty for having upset her with his comment earlier that morning.

Looking at Fin's funny faces always elicited a smile from Amanda despite the apprehension she felt at the possibility that her captor was among the respectable men that were being currently interviewed in the precinct.

As the day dragged on, Amanda felt more tired and anxious as she felt she was doing anything useful and the knot in her stomach was not helping either.

Standing up from her desk, she decided to go and pick some files knowing that, writing reports to keep her mind busy was going to be more useful than just been looking at men coming and going in front of her.

As she was coming back to her desk, she was flipping through the files in her hands, distracted by the notes written in them and she didn't notice the person that was walking towards her until she collided against him, causing the files to end up scattered on the floor.

Amanda immediately bent down to pick them up. "Sorry, I didn't…." Turning to look at the man in front of her, she widened her eyes in surprise. "Dr. Winters?" she stopped when she looked at the person crouched by her side.

"Don't be, it was my fault. I should've called your name instead of just standing in your way" Dr. Winters said, as he helped her up and gave her some of the files he had just collected.

"What are you doing here?" Amanda asked him, hugging the files against her. She didn't understand why he was there, _was he one of the names on the list Nick and Fin had made_?

"I came to talk to Sergeant Benson" he said casually.

"As part of the investigation?" Amanda asked, walking slightly backwards.

"Umm.. What investigation? I'm not sure, actually, she asked me to come to talk to her about the report I wrote". He said, his brows furrowed in confusion.

Amanda nodded and relaxed a little. "Really, and what did she ask?" Amanda tried to sound casual, but deep down she felt betrayed by Olivia. She had been straight forward when she said that she wasn't sure if it was a good idea for her to be back, why did she need to talk to Winters then?

"I told her the same thing that I wrote on my evaluation, which you had already read. Nothing more. I think your Sergeant is worried about you."

"Yeah, I bet she is." Amanda said looking away

"Why else would she have called" Winters looked intently at Amanda and, not feeling like sharing anything with the doctor right now, she offered him a tight smile instead.

"Sorry, am I interrupting something?"

Both Amanda and Winters turned to look at the man who asked the question. Nick was standing a few feet away from them, his hands on his hips.

"Not at all," Winters hurried to answer before turning his attention back to Amanda. "Hope things get better for you, detective Rollins. If you excuse me, I have some patients to see" Winters bowed slightly before leaving.

Nick followed Winters with his glare until the doctor disappeared behind the elevator doors..

"What was he doing here? Was he here as part of the investigation?" Nick asked, walking towards Amanda.

"No, he told me that Benson called him to ask him about the evaluation he wrote of me." She answered as she turned her attention to the scrambled papers in her hands.

"And you believed him?" Nick asked incredulously

"It makes sense" Amanda shrugged as they both walked towards the squad room. "Benson asked me about my estate of mind this morning and she threw some suggestions of what she thinks I should do, so maybe she called him to ask him about that as he is the only shrink I've talked to since I came back"

"You know what? I don't buy it", Nick shook his head.

"Why not?" She turned to look at Nick with a 'duh' face.

"Too much coincidence" Nick's jaw was set in a defiant pose.

"You think that he's involved, seriously?" Amanda shook her head. "That's ridiculous".

Nick grabbed her by her elbow and pulled her aside before they went into the squad room. "He always finds a way to show up in the precise moment" Nick looked intently at Amanda, his expression one of absolute seriousness and concern.

"_The precise moment_?" Amanda quoted her fingers in the air. "C'mon Nick, what are you talking about? Why don't you admit that you don't like the guy? You disliked him since the moment you met him at the hospital. Think about it, you and Fin went through the names of all the men you brought in for questioning that you considered potential suspects. Did you see his name, Nick? You didn't, right!" She rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed by Nick's comments.

"It doesn't mean that he ain't involved." He persisted, in a futile attempt to convince Amanda

"It doesn't mean he is either, is it?" She countered with a shake of her head as she made her way back to her desk.

Nick saw her as she left. He could feel that she was still upset about what happened last night, he had thought that, since she agreed to share the couch with him, she would not be mad anymore, but apparently, she was.

Making his way back to his own desk, he took the list he and Fin had made and he went through the names of all the men that were part of it and he confirmed that Samuel Winters was not one of them.

Nick drop the list on his desk and wondered if Amanda was right, maybe he wanted to consider Winters a suspect because deep down, he knew it was the only way he had to keep him away of Rollins.

As the day rolled on, they realized that the idea hadn't been the best as all of the men either had an alibi or a very good reason why they had come in contact with the drugs. And the ones who didn't, were either too stupid or too drugged to be the mastermind behind Amanda's kidnapping. After the last man left, they all felt tired and disappointed. They had spent the day chasing ghosts and they were as clueless as they were before. Except for the memory that came to Amanda and it hadn't been the result of any detective work good or otherwise.

"Go home, rest. Right now, there's not much we can do" Olivia told them. She knew they were all tired and as much as all of them wanted to find a lead that would help identify the monster responsible for Rollin's abduction, she knew that, the best thing they could do was to rest and to come back with a fresh mind on the next day, maybe even to detach a little, as most of the best leads usually come when they were not looking at the evidence through a magnifying glass.

Reluctantly, they got ready to call it a day

"Rollins, have you considered what we talked this morning?" Olivia asked before going back to her office to collect her things.

"Not really, but apparently you have, sergeant" Amanda's words were not rude, but they were laced with hurt.

Grabbing her jacket she said her goodbyes and walked towards the elevator, Nick right behind her.

* * *

Nick and Amanda were finishing her dinner in silence. Nick had chosen Chinese for that night since Amanda shrugged and refused to say what she wanted for dinner when Nick had asked her.

He knew that there was something bothering her, but he didn't know how to broach the subject, as she didn't seem to be willing to talk to him at all.

"Are you mad because I interrupted your conversation with the doctor? Nick knew this was not the reason, or at least he hoped it wasn't.

"Look, I'm sorry. You're right, I checked the list, he wasn't brought in for questioning, it's just that, again, you're right, I don't like him one bit" He decided that honesty was the best way to get to her.

"He's not involved" Amanda said, playing with her chopsticks.

"How do you know?" Nick regretted asking as soon as the question slipped his mouth, but immediately relaxed when he noticed that it didn't bother her the way he thought it would.

Putting the chopsticks aside, she turned to look at Nick for the fist time in what seemed like ages and he felt happy. "He doesn't give me the vibe, you know?"

"Some of them know how to hide it, you know that as well as I do" he gave her a pointed look.

"Yeah" She looked away

"But there's something bothering you, isn't it? What is it?" He asked her, shifting his weight in the chair so that he leaned a bit closer to her.

"I dunno, I guess it didn't sit well with me the fact that Benson doesn't trust me. And even when I know she has her reasons, it makes me feel uncomfortable." She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I need to keep true to my word and do my best to prove to her that I'm worthy of her trust" Sighing, she stood up and took her almost empty plate and reached out to pick up Nick's empty one to take it to the sink.

Nick followed her into the kitchen. "Do you want to watch a movie? Nick stopped a few steps behind her and leaned casually against the fridge's door. Turning around to face him, Amanda shook her head before hanging it down.

Taking a few steps towards her, Nick took Amanda's hand in his and shook it playfully. "You're worthy of trust, Amanda." He said bending a little to look properly at her face.

Amanda squeezed the tip of his fingers and turned to look at him. "You're the only one who thinks that"

Nick smiled at her. "That's not true, Fin trusts you, and I'm pretty sure Liv does too, I think that she's just worried about you"

"Do you really think that?" Amanda was looking intently at him, her heart pounding hard in her chest as she started getting lost in his brown depths.

"I do." Nick felt Amanda's intense gaze on him; his mouth dried as he noticed the loose strands of hair that came to her face and covered her eyes like a flowing silk veil over her beautiful features. His eyes went to her mouth and focused his attention on her soft lips and he wondered if Amanda was struggling to breath the way he was.

Without breaking eye contact, Amanda stood on her toes and closing her eyes for a brief moment, she brushed her lips against his.

Nick closed his eyes upon feeling Amanda's trembling lips on his. They were warm and soft and perfect.

Amanda opened her eyes and locked her gaze with his. Nick's expression was so intense that she felt threatened by it. She didn't know if he was mad at her, but before she could ponder further, he bent and captured her lips with his. Softly at first and then slowly becoming more passionate as he pulled her closer to him, making her cling to him for dear life. His mouth parted her lips, sending shivers of desire along her entire body, conjuring up emotions that she was sure had never experienced before. And before she was fully aware of what was happening, she was kissing him back, the caress of his lips softer than she remembered.

As the kiss deepened, their tongues fighting for control, Nick pushed her lightly backwards, trapping her between his body and the fridge.

Amanda reached under his shirt and slide her hands under it. She would've wanted to yank it off, but she knew she couldn't do it so she settled with running her hands along his abs and muscled back.

Nick too reached under her blouse and ran his hands along her soft bare skin. He seemed to be consumed by the feel of her velvet skin underneath his hands until he ran his hand across the scar on her stomach and it was like a wake up call back to reality and he stopped his ministrations all together.

"Sorry," he mumbled against her lips. He was still breathing heavily as he took his hands underneath her clothes and placed them on either side of her head. It took Amanda some seconds to register what had just happened as Nick moved his lips from hers and gently, pressed his forehead to hear.

"I'm sorry," he said again, this time, the words were clearer. "This is not right," he said, "You know it isn't". Nick's eyes were tightly closed, his forehead, rubbing against hers.

Amanda nodded and even when Nick's eyes were still closed, she looked away. "Is it because of the scars?" She asked, her voice a soft whisper.

"It's everything, Amanda." Nick said, and, if Amanda hadn't been so hurt, she would've noticed that his words caused more pain to him than to her.

"I understand," she said, and, taking a shuddering breath, she took his hands in hers and freed herself from his touch. "I really do," she said more to herself than to him. And walking past Nick, she called over her shoulder. "I'll try to sleep through the night in Zara's room and I promise I won't bother you anymore"

"Amanda…" Nick said, turning to face her.

"It's okay, I get it. This is too much for you and the truth is, I don't think I know what I'm doing either" She lied trying to smile at him but failing miserably.

As she entered Zara's room, Amanda closed the door behind her and locked it from the inside. Tears fought for room in her eyes as she would not let them out, Nick's words like hammer blows in her mind _It's everything_. Two words that felt like knives stabbing her. Last night in the shower, she had seen the desire in his eyes until he saw the scar, and a couple of minutes ago, she knew he had been more than willing to have sex with her, until he felt the scar across her stomach.

She rubbed her face with both hands, _who was she kidding_? Things were never going to be the same. Nick didn't know but, his actions had diminished her confidence in herself and what Olivia had done by calling Winters hadn't helped either. But their words and actions had also been of great help. Benson was right. She needed answers. Maybe no man was ever going to feel attracted to her, she was covered with scars and most likely that was the reason why her captor had hurt her so badly. But there was something he hadn't been able to mess up with, and that was her intelligence and her skills. She was a good detective, she was smart. The wounds in her body and soul were still fresh, the scars on her body were horrible, but with time, they would face. She could live with Bensons' mistrust and with Nick's rejection, but what she couldn't live with was with her cowardice and self-pity. She needed to confront her demons once and for all and there was only one way to do it.

Reaching for her cell phone, she scrolled down until she found the number of the only person she thought could help her.

_tbc…_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **An apology in advance as there's not much Rollaro in this chapter. But I promise that, from next chapter onwards, it will be all about them, and the abductor :/

I struggled a lot with this chapter, as I didn't know if I should split it in two. I finally decided to leave it as a single chapter despite its length.

Thanks so much for your comments on the story. I hope that, despite the above mentioned, you like this chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

Nick wasn't sure how long after Amanda left, he remained standing in the kitchen like an idiot, not knowing what to do or say.

He hadn't wanted to hurt Amanda in any way, but he didn't want to complicate her life any further.

He has liked Amanda since forever and he knew that, lately, he had developed strong feelings for her. He wasn't sure how to label those feelings though, but he knew he wanted and needed to protect her, to be there for her, but he was afraid that she didn't reciprocate. What if she was just doing this to vent out and forget what had happened to her during her captivity? If so, he knew perfectly well that he had made the right decision by rejecting her, as it wouldn't be good in the long run for either of them.

Eventually, he made his way to Zara's room. Now that the words he spoke to her just minutes before had registered in his mind, he knew he owed Amanda an explanation. She needed to know that, by 'everything' he wasn't talking about the scars that now marred her otherwise perfect porcelain skin. He couldn't care less about those; he knew, that in time, they would fade and even if they didn't, they weren't important, as they didn't determine Amanda's personality or rather, they did, as they were irrefutable proof of how strong and incredible a woman Amanda is, which only made him admire her even more.

He knocked on the white wooden door and when he didn't get a response, he tried to open the door by turning the doorknob, but it was futile as he realized the door had been locked from inside. He considered asking Amanda to open the door, but what was he going to say? _I'm sorry that I rejected you in such a way, it wasn't my intention? There's nothing I want more than to spend the night with you?_ Nick shook his head, he knew it wasn't a good idea. Amanda has always said that, he wants to control the situation that he wants things to be his way and the truth is that, at the moment, Amanda's assumptions has proven to be right. Amanda had been more than willing to be with him, it was he who stopped the natural course of events.

Placing his palms flat against the door to Zara's bedroom, he leaned his head against the wood, relishing in the coolness of it as he rolled his forehead from side to side letting the weight of his thoughts crushed him before tapping the door slightly with his fingertips. Defeated, he made his way to the living room. He was worried that Amanda might leave, he knew that, when she was angry, she was very impulsive and the last thing he wanted was to jeopardize her safety over an argument that should've never taken place. So, he decided to spend the night on the couch. If Amanda decided to run away, he would notice and on the other hand, if she needed something during the night, his spot on the couch would help him monitor the situation better than if he spent the night in his bedroom.

He settled on the couch, as he felt a glimmer of hope surging up inside him when he considered what a brilliant idea came to his mind. Checking his watch, he made a mental note to call Maria first thing in the morning to ask her if it were okay with her if he and Amanda pay Zara a visit over the weekend. He missed his little girl deeply and he thought that a weekend away from the routine and from the horrible experience she had to endure would help Amanda a great deal. Not to mention that, a weekend away might help him- them- to fix their differences. He ran his hand along his face and mused for a second. They had been getting along better before her abduction, and even when they were used to fight all the time, and he accepted it, if even just to himself that it was his fault too, he wanted that to change. He realized how much he had enjoyed when they got along well and he wanted that kind of relationship to be back.

Closing, his eyes, he was hopeful that, his idea would cheer Amanda up and would help him patch things up with her.

Nick remembered how he had failed Maria, how they've made each other suffer and he didn't want that to happen between him and Amanda.

* * *

Amanda could hear Nick lingering outside the door, which made her anger increase to new heights. She felt like opening the door and shout at him, but that was probably what he wanted and she decided not to please him. _Who understood Nick anyway?_ The guy was so complicated that, for a second, she felt relieved that he had rejected her. If things would have gone any further, maybe he would have wanted to control her from that moment onwards and she wasn't taking it. But, just as the idea crossed her mind, she dismissed it and chastised herself for thinking that way. Yes, Nick was a control freak, but Benson had been right when she told her that all he did was because he was worried about her. She could see it now, more clearly. The man had been very nice and attentive to her, despite she's been in her worse, he had managed to be nice with her. Maybe that was the way he had to show that he cared about someone, a weird and dangerous one though, as Amanda suspected this had been one of the reasons why Maria didn't fight hard to keep her marriage afloat. Most likely, she hadn't been able to see through Nick's armour, she hadn't been able to accept that all what Nick did was because she loved his family.

Laying perfectly still on the bed, Amanda waited until she no longer felt Nick's presence on the other side of the door, before trying her best to relax a little. She was tired, but she was also afraid to sleep. Tonight was the first night she was spending on her own since she 'came' back and it scared her. She might've told Nick that she could go through the night without problems, but she wasn't so sure about it. Closing her eyes, she almost immediately felt that something was pulling her, she felt dizzy and lightheaded while trying to sleep and she knew it was because she was afraid of what she might find in her dreams. After a couple of attempts, she realised that she wasn't going to get any sleep tonight and she got up instead. Fetching her tablet, she padded with her bare feet to the small pink couch across from the bed. She started going through all the things they knew about her captor, the physical evidence, the memories, the facts, everything. Swinging her head backwards, she let out a loud sigh. She was confused as she couldn't help comparing herself to a hamster, running aimlessly inside its cage. And not for the first time she wondered why, why was it so easy for her to understand some cases and her own was proving to be so very complicated. Closing her eyes, she sighed and tried focusing on what she needed to do until, it clicked her. She always put the victims before herself and before her needs and feelings. Every time that she had been able to crack a case or at least to come close to, it was because she had been concerned about the victim. The fact that she insisted on not thinking of herself as a victim was the reason why she hadn't been able to think outside the box.

Maybe that is what she needed, to leave her pride aside and accept to herself that she is indeed a victim. That someone broke through her armour and found a way to hit her so hard that she was having trouble putting the pieces back together. After all, it wasn't the first time that she'd been victimized, but unlike the last time, this one she wasn't even sure of what had happened. Had her captor raped her? Again, not the first time that something like that happened to her, but this time around, she wanted and needed to face the consequences and to be actually able to accept out loud what had happened, maybe this way, she would be able to overcome the experience. Straightening herself up on the couch, she felt invigorated as she reached for the notepad on the night-table in front of her. She needed to know who did this to her and why, so she started writing down everything they had, but this time, from this new perspective. Were there other women like her? Were they older or younger? She narrowed them as single, as she was dubious this guy would take women who had someone who cared about them. She paused for a second at the realization of this last part of the victims' profile as she felt like she'd been slapped across her face as soon as she wrote that. It was hard, but necessary for her to admit that, she was alone, which made her a very easy target. Shaking her head, she tried to refocus on her task at hand as she continued writing down what she thought was important to build a profile of her captor. Were these women alive or did he kill them? And how the 'bird' fit the equation? There were so many questions, but she didn't mind, she had all night to work on them and hopefully, by tomorrow, she'd be able to shred some light into her case.

* * *

The next morning came rather quickly, Amanda didn't feel tired, she assumed that it was because of the adrenaline still pumping through her veins, but she also knew that she would be much more tired in the afternoon, but she didn't care. Right now, she couldn't wait to share her findings as the night had proven to be extremely useful.

After taking a quick shower, she got ready for the day. She didn't know why, but she felt like applying makeup and doing her best to look good.

As soon as she opened the door, the smell of coffee filled her nostrils and closing her eyes, she took in the scent.

The minute she opened her eyes, Nick greeted her with a mug in hand, which he offered to her and she accepted. He noticed that she looked good, her hair was up in a pony tail and he could tell by her demeanour that she was happy, even when her eyes looked tired and he wondered if she had been able to get some sleep at all.

"You slept well?" He asked, a faint smile on his face.

Taking a sip of her coffee, she nodded her head. "Yeah, thanks".

Something in the living room called her attention and she turned to look at Nick, her brows furrowed in confusion. "You slept on the couch?"

"Yeah, It has become a habit, I guess" He shrugged as he made his way back to the kitchen to leave his empty mug.

Amanda nodded lightly not buying his excuse.

"Would you like me to make some breakfast?" He called from the kitchen, and she could listen to the clattering of pans and silverware.

"No, actually I was wondering if we could arrive a bit earlier to the station, she said glancing at her watch. There are some things I need to discuss with Benson."

Coming out of the kitchen, Nick looked intently at her. He could tell that she was anxious, and even when he tried to read her, the lack of reaction on her behalf, told him that she wasn't willing to reveal anything to him.

"Okay…" He trailed off. Grabbing his jacket from the chair's backrest, he took a deep breath, trying to find the best way to utter his next words. "I was thinkin', I haven't seen Zara in a while and I'd like to go to DC for the weekend to visit her."

Nick raised his eyes to meet hers, but what he saw in them was not encouraging, as it was evident that she hadn't got a clue of his underlying message.

"I was wondering if you'd like to come with me?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Why? Because you think you have to take me with you, or because you don't know what to do with me?" Her words laced with annoyance.

Nick was surprised as he didn't expect her to take his invitation in such a bad way. But when he tried to explain himself, she cut him off. "No, thanks, I have plans already."

"Then I can visit Zara on another weekend." Nick said, trying to absorb her rejection.

"Oh no by any means, go with your kid, I'll be fine. In fact, I was gonna tell you that I might not spend the weekend here and that, I've also been thinking about going back to my apartment." She blurted as she walked towards the door.

Nick was officially out of words, how did an innocent invitation to visit DC turned into an announcement that she was leaving. "Is it because of last night?" He asked, trying to make sense of the situation but failing miserably.

"What about last night?" She asked, a disinterested tone in her voice.

"Amanda…" Nick walked towards her.

"Oh! Don't worry about that Nick, I've forgotten it already and so should you. It isn't a big deal." She flapped her hand dismissively "You've never been rejected? I have, not often, but…it happens." She shrugged her shoulders. "Plus, it was just sex, Nick, I wasn't looking for anything else, it was not like it was a life changing event or anything, so drop it". She finished as she opened the front door and stepped outside of the house.

Nick felt stung by her words, but he knew that when she was mad, she liked to inflict pain. And what hurt him the most was that, through her words, she was showing just how much he had hurt her, which ironically was, the very thing he was trying to avoid.

* * *

"What's up with Rollins?" Fin asked Nick when they both arrived. The older detective could see that something had happened between those two. And when he saw his partner walking to Benson's office, his suspicions were confirmed.

Nick shrugged "I dunno"

"And you look like crap…" Fin said, leaning against his chair's backrest. "Wait a second, what did you do to my partner?"

"I didn't do anything to her," Nick cast a rather annoyed glance to Fin's way.

"I don't believe you! Every time you two are alone, it's like dynamite. Maybe it was a bad idea to let her stay in your house."

"Yeah, maybe it was." Nick said, not willing to reveal any of what had happened between him and Amanda.

* * *

Knocking on Olivia's door, Amanda didn't wait for an invitation as she entered and plopped herself in one of the chairs opposite to Benson.

"Come in." Olivia muttered as she saw Amanda already inside.

"I've been thinking about what you said yesterday and I came up with some things last night. I couldn't sleep and I went through all my memories, what I know, what I don't and what I think I know." Amanda rambled.

"Ok, would you care to share?" Olivia asked tentatively.

"Not yet. There are some loose ends I need to tie up first which is why I'm here. I'm wondering if you could put an end to my protective detail." Amanda said, quoting in the air with her fingers. "I know why you asked Amaro to shadow me and I know it's part of our agreement," she waved her hands between her and Benson, "but does it have to be all the time? There are things I want to do, things I need to do and I don't feel free to do them with Amaro on my back all the time. I know that you're worried that this guy might want me back, but Liv, let's be honest here. If I were another victim, you and I know that a 24/7 protective detail is rarely granted." Amanda finished, trying to convince Benson that she had a valid point.

"You're not another victim." Olivia reminded Amanda carefully.

Amanda dismissed Olivia's comment, as she wasn't ready to share her theory with her sergeant.

"Plus, if he really wanted me back, he would've made his move already. And if he's lurking in the shadows, then he won't approach if he notices that I'm protected all the time." Amanda sighed, by the look on Olivia's face, she didn't feel confident that her plea will be granted.

"Let me be on my own. Please."

"No Amanda, sorry, but that is too risky and I can't allow it." Olivia was definite.

"Look, I know I'm treading dangerous waters here, but, Lewis kidnapped you at night, right?" She said, looking intently at her Sergeant.

"Yeah, but he didn't send a bogus permit." Olivia rolled her eyes, an idea of where Rollins was going now clear in her head.

Sliding forward to the edge of the chair, Amanda placed her hands on Olivia's desk. "I know, but my point is that, my captor took me at night too, not in broad daylight. He is a coward. He likes to be in the shadows, he feels safe there, most likely he is a hunter, which is probably why he compares me to a bird. He waits in the shadows until his prey is either alone or vulnerable. Most likely hunting is a hobby of his or maybe he has books on the topic. I can't be sure, what I do know is that he won't attack me in broad daylight." Against her will, Amanda ended up sharing her theory in an attempt to show Benson that she was now back in the game and more than ready to catch her captor.

"Are you asking me permission to go out and taunt him? Olivia couldn't believe it, she knew that Amanda was brave, and determined, but this was too much.

Amanda paused for a second, she remembered how good, she's always been at profiling suspects, she felt in her element and she was going to make sure to let Benson know just how good she was. "I don't want that, all I want is to be able to go out for lunch on my own. And I also want, need, to go back to my GA meetings."

Olivia eyed her carefully.

"I'll find another group, different location, earlier. Please." Amanda was pleading now, as she knew that, without Benson's permission she was practically back in square one.

Olivia sighed, something told her this was something she wasn't going to win. "Okay, if you want to go out for lunch on your own, I'll allow it. But, you'll only have one hour and if you don't come back in such time, I'll send a search party for you, understood." Olivia gave Amanda a pointed look.

Amanda nodded enthusiastically.

"And, you'll continue to live with Amaro. That doesn't change."

"About that," Amanda grimaced "I'd like to talk to Fin, maybe change a little from next week onwards."

"Has Nick done something?" Olivia asked tiredly, different scenarios coming to her mind, as she knew that the idea of Nick and Amanda sharing a house had never been the best.

Looking down, Amanda shook her head. "Nope, he's been great."

Olivia didn't buy it, but she decided not to push Amanda. After all, she was being sensible enough to know when it was time for a change.

"And now that you mention our conversation, have you thought about asking for help." Olivia asked carefully.

"I have, actually, that's exactly what I'll do." Standing up from the chair, Amanda said, as she got ready to leave her Sergeant's office.

"Would you like me to recommend you someone?" Olivia's eyes widened in surprise, this was the last response he expected from her subordinate.

"No thanks. It's not exactly the kind of help I'll ask for, as I told you before, I'm not going to pay someone to listen to my problems." Amanda said matter-of-factly.

* * *

At lunch time, Nick and Fin saw how Amanda turned off her laptop and got ready to leave.

"Gimme a sec, I'm almost done." Nick said, hurrying up to turn off his own laptop.

"No need, cowboy, I'm having lunch on my own." Amanda said, throwing him a glance over her shoulder.

Nick gave her a puzzled look.

"If you don't believe me, check with Benson." She said, making her way to the elevators.

Nick cast a glance towards Fin, who seemed to be as confused. Both men turned to look at Olivia, as she came out of her office.

"Liv," Nick said, pointing with his head to Amanda's place.

"I know, she told me she wanted to have lunch on her own"

"And you let her?" It was Fin's time to protest.

Olivia nodded. "I did.".

"Why?" Both men asked incredulously.

"Because she needs to feel free, plus, as crazy as it may sound, her arguments were valid."

"So now, you trust her? Then why you called Winters?" Nick lashed out.

"Excuse me?" Olivia turned to look at Nick, puzzled and upset. "It's the last time you challenge my decisions Nick, is it clear?". Olivia stated her words with finality.

* * *

As she pushed the doors open, Amanda noticed that small café was not crowded, but there were enough people to create a considerable noise. The clatter of plates and the voices of people filled the place as Amanda stood on her toes until she spotted the person she was looking for and she made a beeline to the table he was in.

"Hi, sorry I'm late, the street was a bit crowded. Thank you so much for coming." She said, as she sided into the booth opposite to Samuel Winters.

Turning his gaze to the woman that had just arrived, he offered her a warm smile. "It's okay." His gaze lingered on her face for a moment before he spoke again. "With all due respect, I have to say that you look much better than on our previous encounters. Like a completely different woman."

Amanda smiled at the compliment. "Actually, this is closer to the woman I really am, the one you met before was a ghost. Anyway, I don't have much time, like 45 minutes tops."

"So we better hurry. What can I do for you, detective?" He asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Amanda, call me Amanda." She said, looking him in the eye.

"What can I do for you, Amanda?"

Amanda sighed loudly. "I've been thinking a lot about what you and my sergeant told me and, I've been gathering some information. As my sergeant might've told you yesterday, she is convinced that, most of what happened to me is locked in my memory and I'd like to ask for your help." She nodded her head once.

"Would you like to have sessions?" He asked her, coking his head to the side.

"No, It's nothing like that. Actually, I'd like you to share your expertise with me." She bit her lip hesitantly and he gave her a puzzled look n return.

"Yeah, I know that talking to you won't help us, and I'm sorry to admit considering you've been so nice to me, but I don't like shrinks. But, I do like to learn and what I want is you to help me build a profile of my kidnapper." She turned away, fearing his response.

"I see." He said, putting his mug down and leaning back in his seat.

"Last night that I called you I wasn't sure what I needed, but now I do." She didn't want to sound desperate for help, but something told she wasn't succeeding.

"I think your idea is good, even when talking to someone would prove to be more helpful." He said softly.

Amanda snorted "I bet you got along just fine with Benson, didn't' you?"

"She's a fine lady."

"Yeah." Amanda muttered, looking away. There was a small silence as they both listened to the noises of the café around them.

Shifting on his seat, he looked down at his coffee as he moved the mug in a circular motion. "I don't know if your idea will really help you, but if you think it will, then count on me."

"Do you think we can meet tomorrow?" Amanda asked, her eyes full of hope.

"Tomorrow is Saturday and…" He trailed off.

"Sorry," Amanda shook her head. "I get it, you don't work on Saturdays. Then maybe next week…"

"No, I guess we can start tomorrow if you accept an invitation." He said, looking intently at her.

Now it was Amanda's turn to look puzzled.

"I have to go to New Jersey, Somerville to be precise, to visit my family's premises. My parents passed away a couple of years ago and I've been procrastinating about selling the property. But, I think it's time to come around to do it, but I wanted to visit the place one last time. I have planned this trip for some weeks now and maybe you'd like to join me. We'll go by car and we can use this time to talk about whatever you need. And," he paused for effect, "it will also help as a distractor.

Amanda considered his invitation. This was not what she bargained for when she first asked for his help, but the truth was that she didn't have many options. Nick was going to Washington to visit his daughter and she just couldn't join him, not after what happened in the morning as she knew it would be like a weekend from hell.

"Is it gonna be a one day trip?" Amanda asked him.

"Yeah, it's a one day trip." Winters confirmed with a nod.

"I'd like that." She smiled at him.

Looking at her watch, she stood up. "Sorry, I gotta go, or else, I'm gonna be in troubles."

He too stood up and, reaching for her hand, he said. "I think it's good that you want to get better, especially for all the people that you help on your line of work as I'm under the impression they are more important to you than yourself. Which is why it is in your best interest to get better, so you can do what you do best, help people."

Amanda smiled. Samuel was right, she was much better at helping others than helping herself. He had been able to see right through her and she appreciated it. Maybe it was because he was a psychiatrist, but she liked that he had noticed something than none of her co-workers had. Amanda thought for a while as she felt engulfed by a cloud of sadness, nobody has given her such a good reason to fight for her sanity.

* * *

The rest of the day at the precinct was mostly laced with tension as Amanda refused to say where she had gone for lunch. At some point, Fin accepted that his partner was not willing to share any kind of information, not even with him and that hurt a bit, but he knew better than to push her.

Back at Nick's house, the tension in the air could be cut with a knife as they both realized it was not a good idea to stay in the house, so when Amanda said that she wanted to go to the park with Frannie, Nick was happy to oblige.

Tired of the situation and not wanting to go to sleep knowing that Amanda was mad at him, Nick swallowed his pride and tried one last time to reconnect with his partner.

"Listen, we've been really stressed out. Why don't you consider coming with me to Washington, it will be something different, could even prove to be therapeutic." He offered, a soft smile on his lips.

"I have plans for the weekend, I've told you and I'm not changing them." She said, her fingers playing with her earrings as they strolled through the park.

"Really, what plans?" He asked casually as he didn't want Amanda to notice the irritation building up in his chest.

"I'm going to New Jersey." She said flatly.

"On your own?" Nick inquired, worried that Atlantic City and her desire for gambling had taken over her common sense.

"No, with Samuel," she said triumphantly, a flash of defiant pride in her words.

It took a while for Nick to register who she was talking about. "The psychiatrist? Are you crazy?" He stopped, staring her hard in the eyes. "You can't do that."

"Why not?" She finally turned to look at him, her eyes indecipherable.

"Because you don't know him." Nick stated the obvious.

"Yeah? Well, neither do you." She said as she resumed their walk.

Nick remained silent for a while, the air between them thick with awkwardness as they made their way back to his house.

* * *

The next morning, Nick left his room to find Amanda ready, dressed in her red flannel shirt and jeans and he couldn't help but to notice how good she looked in those clothes. The way her jeans hugged her hips attesting to her physical recovery.

She had agreed with Winters to meet him at the station, but she needed to go to Fin's place first to drop Frannie, as her partner was babysitting her dog for the day.

Nick offered to drive her knowing that she hadn't taken her car since she started living with him. Amanda frowned, tightening the rubber band holding her wavy blond hair into a bun, clearly not happy with the idea.

As soon as they arrived, Amanda handed Fin the leash and told both men she was taking the subway, as she didn't want to interfere with their plans.

Nick was fuming as he saw her leave.

"What's wrong with you, man?" Fin eyed him with suspicion.

"She's spending the day with the shrink." Nick said, tightening his jaw as he saw her walking down the street.

"Are ya' jealous?" Looking at Nick quizzically, Fin asked with a smirk.

"Course not." Nick answered, outraged by the older man's comment.

_Yeah, sure_, Fin thought

"Then why are you so mad?"

Turning to look at Fin, Nick answered, like stating the obvious. "Because he is her doctor, it's unethical to date a patient."

"No, he's not her doctor." Fin answered, trying hard not to laugh at Nick's bewildered face.

Nick rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry so much. Rollins is a smart girl, she'll be fine"

"I'm not so sure about that. She hasn't made the best decisions lately." Nick shook his head in defeat.

Turning to look at Nick, Fin asked. "Have you told her that?"

Nick shrugged, "how could I? Sometimes, I have the feeling that the words I say to her vanish unheard in the air, as if there's static between us, bad connection ya' know?"

Fin whistled… "No wonder why she wants to move to my house the day after tomorrow."

"She told you that?" Nick looked at Fin, confusion written all over his face.

"Yup. Look, I know she's been lost, but she's tryin' hard to get her life back, maybe you shouldn't be too hard on her." Fin offered, knowing how hard it was for Nick not to play hero when it came to Amanda. "You should stop making up stories in your mind about this guy, cuz in all honesty, this hunch of yours screams jealousy to me."

* * *

Amanda met Winters at the station and they drove to Somerville from there. If anything, the day was even more perfect than expected with a hint of spring in the air. The drive was pleasant, most of which Amanda spent looking out of the window, the corners of her mouth curled up just so, in a shadow of a smile as she saw the suburbs disappeared, all the buildings that could be glimpsed from the road became farther and farther apart. The whole trip proved to be relaxing for Amanda, as she managed to give herself completely to the enjoyment of the unexpected yet pleasant trip.

As soon as they got to Winters parent's property, Amanda opened her eyes with surprise, completely mesmerized by the size of the place. "My God, how many acres do you have?" Amanda asked, dumbfounded.

Winters didn't answer, instead, he smiled warmly at the sight of Amanda's surprised expression. She was totally amazed and he couldn't help but to compare her reaction to the one of a little girl in a candy store.

As they walked to the main house, Amanda could see that the trees and plants were still bare of leaves and she pictured in her mind how beautiful and amazing they most be when they were green and full. She suspected that beautiful sight would come soon, as spring was around the corner.

Winters gave her a quick tour of the property. They went through the gardens, and they visited the empty stalls. Amanda was happy not to find any horses in them, as she knew she would've loved to ride one, but given her current condition, she knew it wasn't a good idea.

Around two, they had a picnic. They ate chicken sandwiches, cookies and coffee that he had brought. Amanda told him about her suspicions, and all the things that had come back to her mind lately. Sometimes she was so caught up with what she was saying that, she didn't feel like she was talking about her abduction, but about a case unrelated to her. It was obvious that she was both excited about her abilities and eager to know Winters' opinion. All the time he listened patiently, nodding his head every now and then, but otherwise not interrupting Amanda's speech.

Amanda caught the doctor casting glances her way as she talked and she smiled inwardly as she realized that, it didn't make her feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite, it felt good until she caught herself wishing for Nick to see her that way. Rolling her eyes, she shook her head almost imperceptibly, he had seen her that way and in a much seductive way too, but he had backed off.

Tipping her eyes up at Winters, Amanda wondered what would she do if the doctor made an advance on her.

As the afternoon progressed, she found herself thinking more and more about Nick. What were he doing, was he enjoying the time with his daughter? _Of course he was_!

Shaking her head, she decided to focus her attention on the person currently sitting opposite to her. "So, what do you think? She asked eagerly, "would you say I'm on the right track?" Amanda looked directly at Winters, concentrating on the kindness of his eyes

Cleaning the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he cleared his throat. "I have to say that, I'm impressed. Most people won't be able to come to such conclusions without medical training. Are you trying to put me out of business?" He winked at her.

Amanda felt proud of herself as she took a deep breath, letting fresh air into her lungs as if it were going to clean whatever was inside her.

"C'mon," he said, tilting his head as he stood up from the blanket spread on the grass and, offering a hand to her he added, "It's getting late. We better go back now"

Amanda looked at him with a puzzled look in her face, as she accepted his outstretched hand.

* * *

They hit the road back to NY at around eight. When Samuel asked where she wanted him to take her, she debated whether she should go to Fin's, but then she realized all her clothes were at Nick's so she asked him to take her there. When they arrived, Winters parked the car and walked her to the door.

Once outside Nick's house, Amanda turned around to face Samuel. "Thank you so much for today, it was very nice, really, I can't thank you enough"

"On the contrary, thank you, if it weren't for you, this trip to my parent's house would've been extremely boring." He said sincerely.

Amanda looked him in the eye. "You haven't answered my question, what do you think about what I shared with you?"

Instead of answering her, Samuel leaned over and kissed her cheek. "And I don't intend to" He smiled. "It's getting late, I think you need to rest, today was an extremely tiring day for you." He said, tilting his head towards the entrance to the house.

Amanda was disappointed, but she figured she wasn't getting anything from him so she nodded in defeat. She smiled, as she waved him goodbye, but she could feel that the smile didn't reach her eyes

Once she saw Winters' car disappear around the block, she put the key in the lock and turned the door open, as her thoughts drifted back to Samuel Winters. He seemed to be a decent man, he was a real gentleman, he had an interesting profession, he was handsome, rich- not that she really cared- and she had a nice time with him, moreover, he had been clearly interested and he would've been a great opportunity to boost her self esteem. Deep down, she knew this was the reason why she had contacted him in the first place. After Nick's rejection, she had wanted to feel desired, and yet, when the opportunity presented itself, all she could think about was Nick. She snorted, because despite he'd been an ass to her on some occasions, Nick had also been extremely nice and caring both before and especially after her abduction. And the truth was that, somehow, feeling Samuel's breath fanning her face didn't make her feel the way Nick's proximity did. But she felt awkward, because she had also contacted Winters because she needed his professional opinion, and he hadn't given her any. He did let her talk, but what she really wanted was for him to point her in the right direction, which he didn't and she wondered why. Maybe he was trying to help her by not telling her something that he thought might cloud her judgement, this way, she would be able to open her mind a bit further, get her ideas clearer without help. But the truth was, she didn't need that, what she needed was some reassurance. Even when, in a second thought, Winters' comment had done exactly that, when he asked her if she was trying to put him out of business.

Closing the door behind her and locking it, she leaned her forehead against the coolness of the wooden door. And, closing her eyes, she bit at her lower lip, as she smiled mischievously at the memory of today's events.

But the smile disappeared from her face as she jumped, scared, the keys slipping from her now shaking hand the minute she heard a loud thud behind her. Her hand reached for the doorknob, but when she tried to turn it, she remembered that she had locked it and she felt a cold sweat running down her spine as she turned around, terrified of the sight that might await her.

_tcb…_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** And I thought the last chapter was difficult to write… this one has been the hardest so far. An apology in advance for any mistakes that you may find, it had never been so difficult for me to think in English.

I hope you like what happens here, despite it is far from what most of you have expected.

*Heads up* The kidnapper will come back, you can be sure of it, but not just yet ;)

Thanks so very much for taking the time to read the story, if you have the chance, let me know your thoughts on this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Ever so slowly, Amanda turned, a harsh vision of the possibilities that awaited her invaded her mind. She chastised herself for not carrying her gun. She had promised to carry it with her no matter what and yet, she had broken her promise. Once again, she was defenceless. Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard, more aware than ever that she was not fit to fight, but willing to do everything in her power to defend herself.

Pressing her back against the door, she opened her eyes, and her breath was caught in her throat, her heart pounding in her ears as she jumped slightly upon seeing him, her hands shaking from bracing herself for something that never came.

"What are you doing here? You scared the hell out of me!" She said, trying to recover from the shock.

"This is my house, remember?" Nick saw her like she had grown two heads.

"Of course I do, but you were supposed to be in Washington." Amanda was trying hard to get her heart rate back to normal after the scare a few second ago.

"And you were supposed to be at Fin's." Nick answered, an accusatory tone in his voice.

Amanda regarded him for a minute. She could tell, by Nick's body language, that he was pissed. Maybe Maria had cancelled or pulled something at Nick that prevented him from being with Zara, but that wasn't her fault.

Amanda was about to ask him what had prevented him from visiting his daughter, but he cut her off.

"There's some Italian in case you're hungry. But, considering you had lunch a couple of hours ago, maybe you're not hungry yet." Glancing at his watch, he said as he turned to leave, his voice laced with bitterness.

Amanda caught him half way to his room, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of the water. _How on earth did he know she had had lunch a few hours ago?_

"How do you know that?" She asked, grabbing him by his arm.

"What?" He turned around to look down at her over his shoulder, "that you had lunch already? The same way I know that you have just had the time of your life with your friend the doctor." He shrugged, pulling away from her touch.

Amanda looked at him, not quite believing what he had just said. Nick had decided to follow her instead of spending the weekend with his daughter as he had planned.

"Wait a minute, you followed me?" Amanda asked in disbelief. She wasn't really surprised by his actions, but by the fact that he had preferred to spend his day following her than with his kid.

Nick shook his head, before turning to look her in the eyes, his hands on his hips. "I did." He answered defiantly. No matter what Fin and Amanda had said, he wasn't making the same mistake twice.

"The doctor got himself a very nice place. I could tell how happy and proud you were walking by his side and talking to him while enjoying your picnic." Nick's voice was laced with venom. He had followed them into Winter's family property. It was a great place and Nick was envious, and angry, not because of Winters' wealth, but because he got to spend the day with Amanda.

"Why don't you mind your own business.?" Throwing her hands up, she asked, clearly exasperated by his intrusion.

"You are my business, I'm supposed to keep you safe, remember?" Nick's voice raising a few octaves.

"I was safe." Amanda said, her voice barely audible in contrast with his as her mind analyzed what he had just said. He considered her _his_ business, definitely not the answer she had expected.

"Of course you were, with such a guy, he's wealthy, maybe you noticed it and you thought that maybe, with a guy like him, you won't need to gamble again."

Turning to look at him, she felt her blood boiling with anger. "You are … I can't believe you're telling me this." She shook her head in disbelief, that was a low blow, one that she never thought Nick capable of. Taking a step forward, she raised her eyes to meet his. "Just so you know, I've never gambled for the money. In fact, every time, I've done everything to pay my debts. I gamble for the thrill of it, to feel alive. Have you ever felt alive about something, Nick? She asked him, her voice deathly low.

Levelling his gaze at her evenly, he tightened his jaw as he felt her words landing deep within him, her question leaving him out of words.

Tense silence fell between them and Nick didn't dare to fill it, but Amanda wasn't willing to finish the conversation just yet. Taking a few steps back, Amanda spoke first. "Well, I release you from your duty, if it turns out to be such a burden.

"I didn't say that." Nick said, in a softer tone, his mind still processing her words, wondering if he had ever felt alive.

"You don't need to. And please, stop following me around." Amanda said, her voice harsh.

"I don't want you to get in troubles." Nick said, his voice even, not wanting to continue arguing with her.

"I told you once and I say it again, you are not my father. Don't act as you were." She said sternly.

Nick shook his head in disbelief, "the problem with you is that, you're not used to be loved, nobody has ever really taken care after you, which is why you are always so defensive", and this time, he was the one who turned around first, leaving Amanda standing in the living room. Her heart racing still from the scare that he gave her first and them for the argument they've just had.

* * *

She couldn't believe that he had preferred to follow her than to spend the weekend with Zara. She knew just how important Zara is for him. _Why would he do such stupid thing?_

Amanda wanted to be mad, but deep down she couldn't. Nick was right and it killed her to accept it. It didn't make sense. She shouldn't be mad at him, all he had wanted was to make sure that she was okay, that was not a valid reason to be mad at someone, and yet, she was.

Feeling like the conversation between her and Nick wasn't finished, she decided to follow him into his room. Knocking at the door she waited for a response, but when she got none, she pushed the door open. Entering his bedroom, she stood by the door, looking around in search of Nick, but she soon realized that he wasn't there as she heard the water from the shower running. The image of Nick naked sending shivers of desire to her body. Feeling anticipation building in her stomach, she walked towards the bathroom door and placed her hand on the knob considering entering the room, but she jerked her hand away almost immediately. Shaking her head, she decided it was by far the most stupid idea, especially after what had just happened between them. They both had said harsh things to the other, and although she knew that make up sex was always great, she also knew that she and Nick were not together and therefore, not the best idea. Instead, she left Nick's room almost as quietly as she had entered.

* * *

Once back in Zara's room, Amanda considered taking her things and calling a cab to take her to Fin's house, but she knew it wasn't a good idea. It was too late already, Fin was probably asleep, or worse, he might be willing to know how her day was and she wasn't in the mood to share the day's events at the moment. So she decided to go Zara's room, spend the night and leave first thing in the morning.

Despite being a bit cold, she was more tired than anything, the events of the day having worn her off, she decided to wear her flannel shirt instead of wasting time changing into her pyjamas. Getting inside the covers, she reached for the stuffed dog Nick had given her and closed her eyes, ready to fall peacefully asleep.

As soon as Nick finished his shower, he went straight to bed. He was still upset about his argument with Amanda, he didn't want to argue with her anymore, but apparently, everything he did seemed to upset her, and not for the first time he thought that, maybe her decision of moving with Fin was for the best. This way, she would be more relaxed. Even when he suspected that, the only way in which she could be relaxed was when they were able to identify and catch her captor.

Closing his eyes, he decided the best thing he could do was to sleep. He had lied to Amanda the previous night, he hadn't slept much. The couch was not comfortable and the fact that they had argued as well, made his night even more difficult to bear. But he was hoping to finally be able to catch up on some sleep. After all, there was nothing he could do to fix things with her.

Amanda felt the bed shifting ever so slightly because of a weight change. She tried to move, but she was unable as she felt her hands being pinned against the mattress, the side of her face pressed against the pillow. She felt hot breath on her neck, and she tried to scream, but it was futile as there was a cloth in her mouth preventing her from doing so. Once again, her plea for help died in her throat.

Amanda felt like she couldn't breathe, she couldn't move, she had been immobilized. She tried to turn her face, but she couldn't. All she could see out from the corner of her eye was a human figure on top of her.

_Her captor had found her. He was there and there was nothing she could do. This time, it was for real._

Closing her eyes shut, she started squirming under the body on top of her, in a desperate attempt to get free. _"Get away from me" Don't touch me Get away! Let go of me."_ She screamed inside herself over and over again.

* * *

A heart ripping scream coming from Zara's bedroom, woke Nick with a start. Grabbing his gun instinctively, he sprinted to Zara's bedroom, his heart stopping in his chest, panic rising inside him as thoughts of the bastard that had hurt Amanda flooded his mind. He had followed her around to make sure that she was safe only to leave her alone at night. He should've stayed with her. _What if the guy was there to finish what he started week ago?_

Kicking the door open, his gun drawn and ready to take down whoever was threatening her, Nick found Amanda dashing on the bed, covered in sweat, the sheets tangled around her body. Her fingernails digging into her palms, her fists throwing punches everywhere. He wanted to wake her up, but first, he checked the bedroom and bathroom in case someone was there, but everything seemed to be in order, the windows were closed, the closet was empty, except for some of Zara's clothing, the bathroom was secured and he felt somehow relived upon realizing it was just one of Amanda's nightmares.

Securing his gun, he placed it on the table and gently came to Amanda's side. Brushing some strands of hair out of her face, he started calling her in a soft, soothing voice as the last thing he wanted was to startle her.

"Amanda, it's Nick, you're safe. C'mon open your eyes, you're safe."

It took Amanda some time to wake up and when she finally opened her eyes, she blinked quickly, moving away from Nick's touch as she processed what was going on, taking in her surroundings, she clutched the sheet with her hands, a howl still locked in her chest.

"He was here, I felt him, he was on top of me, he pressed his face against mine." Looking around in despair, she said in a rushed voice, the words stumbling over one another as she spoke.

Amanda started rubbing her cheek raw with the sheet, trying to wipe away the feeling of her captor's touch.

"Hey, don't do that, you're gonna hurt yourself", Nick said, taking her hand gently into both his hands.

"It's okay. He wasn't here. There's no one here Amanda. I checked already". Nick said in a reassuring voice.

"He was, I know he was, I know, I know." Amanda said, her eyes scanning the room for any evidence that might support her theory.

Jerking her hand away from his, she bent her knees up against her chest and hugged herself as tightly as possible as she started rocking herself back and forth. Her body racked with violent shivers, memories of her torture making their way to the surface once again.

Seeing her body shake uncontrollably, Nick wrapped his arms around her, trying to steady her as she clung to him for comfort.

Nick didn't know what to do. She was entering into trance and that was the last thing he wanted or needed.

"Hey, I'm going to check the rest of the house okay, stay here, I'll be right back." Taking his gun he left her already shaky frame on the bed, tears running down her face.

As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew they were stupid as she was in no condition to move.

After clearing the house, he went back to her, and it broke his heart to find her in the same position.

"Amanda", coming closer, tentatively, he touched her arm. "It's okay, the house is safe," but his words fell on deaf ears as she continued rocking back and forth, her head resting on her knees.

"Do you need me to bring you something, some water or maybe tea?" Nick offered, trying to get her attention back. But Amanda didn't answer, instead, she kept asking to be left alone in a soft whisper, as if Nick wasn't in the room.

Looking around, Nick didn't know what to do. Running his hand along his face, he kneeled down and tried again.

"Hey, you need to relax a little. Everything is fine now. I'm gonna stay here for the rest of the night, okay. I'll sleep over there," he said, pointing to the small couch in his daughter's room, "Will you feel better if I do that?" He asked her, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

Once again, no response.

Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, Nick slowly, sat down on Zara's bed and very carefully, rounded Amanda with his arm and hugged her against him. Nick didn't know how long they remained in that position, but when he felt a bit uncomfortable he realized he needed to shift his position as most likely she was growing uncomfortable too.

"Why don't you lay down, maybe try to get some sleep."

"Can't sleep", she mumbled, "he was here, I know he was."

The words kept coming like a mantra and Nick didn't know how to convince her that she was wrong.

"It was just a nightmare, Amanda." Nick said, rubbing the back of her hand.

"No, it wasn't." She shook her head against his shoulder.

"Amanda, the house is safe, try to relax, please. " Nick tried again, rubbing her back gently while he thought what to do next.

He considered staying with Amanda in Zara's bedroom but the bed, as Amanda has pointed out before, was too small and so was the couch next to the little girl's bed, not to mention that the pillow was drenched in cold sweat. Nick considered changing the bed sheets, but it would take a lot of time and _where would he put Amanda in the meantime_, she didn't even want to move from her spot.

It didn't take him long to make up his mind. "C'mon is not an option to sleep here tonight." Nick said, as he lifted her bridal style and brought her to his bed. Sure, that she was going to be much more comfortable than on the couch in the living room.

As he lifted her in his arms, he could smell her scent, a sweet aroma that permeated his senses.. She smelled like fresh baked vanilla cookies and he knew it wasn't her shampoo. He breathed her in as he deposited her on his bed.

When he tried to lay her down, he noticed that, Amanda's grip on his shirt was strong and he had no choice but to lie next to her on the bed until, eventually, her breath evened and her hold on him loosened.

Nick considered suggesting her to take a bath in order to relax, but he doubted her wobbly legs would cooperate as she was still pretty shaken by her nightmare.

Taking her hand in his, he lifted it to his lips and, brushing his lips against her fingers, he mumbled, "I'll be back"

Knowing that a bath or a shower were not an option, he thought about the second best thing he could do to help her feel better. So, he went to the kitchen, grabbed a clean towel, and brought some warm water to clean her with it. It was not a bath, but it was going to help her. Nick passed the towel over neck and her face, being extra careful with the delicate skin around her eyes.

As soon as he finished cleaning her, Nick put the bowl of water on the night table and turned to look at her. Amanda's gaze seemed to be lost in an abyss, as if her mind was detached from her body, drifting away in the shadows of her memories.

When he was about to stand from the bed, he felt Amanda grabbing him by his arm.

"I can't be alone right now, please, stay…" She said, turning slowly to look at him, her eyes full of fear.

Reaching over, Nick took her hand in his, playing with her fingers, measuring them against his larger ones.

"Amanda, I…" he stammered, unsure if he could give her the comfort she desperately needed.

Amanda looked up at Nick over her shoulder, the moonlight beams coming from the window, casting dazzling shimmer of light on her skin, making her look more beautiful than ever. "Please, Nick. Just tonight. Every time I am alone, I feel his presence. It only seems to go away when you are around. Please!" Amanda felt ashamed to accept it out loud, but she was so scared that she didn't mind opening herself a little.

Affection seeped through him, like a summer breeze, soft, gentle but firm and immovable upon listening to her words. A warm sensation spread through him like a light feather, gently shivering across his entire body. Amanda looked so lost and scared, and all he wanted was to protect her, but she was asking too much of him at the moment as he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it through the night without trying to cross a line with her. Looking intently into her eyes, Nick felt his resolve crumble. Nodding his head, he laid next to her on the bed and to his surprise, Amanda scrambled closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, the proximity evident and Nick couldn't resist putting his arm around her frame. Hugging her closer to him.

Amanda laid by his side perfectly still, her palm against his chest and her head resting on top, but he knew by the soft sound of her blinking and her breath intervals that she was awake. He felt her body tense with the remnants of fear from the nightmare she had woken up from.

"Nick, I've been thinking and… I know you don't believe me, but, this was not a nightmare, he was here. He came back for me." Her voice was flat and expressionless, as if she was giving a recipe.

"I checked the house", Nick said as he pulled her to his chest tighter. "There's no way in which he could have got himself in". He said, gently rubbing her arm up and down.

To his surprise, she didn't protest or tired to contradict him, instead, she continued.

"I think that what just happened cast some light into what happened to me, or rather, what didn't happen during my time with this man." She pursed her lips together and snuggled closer against him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, lowering his head so he could look at her.

"I… I…" Amanda hesitated before finding the courage to share her thoughts with Nick. "I don't know if it were because he was unable to or because he didn't want to, but I'm positive now, he didn't rape me. I don't remember what exactly he did to me, though. I know he beat me, he cut me, he… did many things", she said, shaking her head as if trying to get rid of the memories lurking in her mind and heart. "But that, you know already." Her voice above a whisper.

The room fell silent, there was only the sound of their breathing and Amanda regretted having shared this with Nick, maybe it wasn't something that he wanted to know. "Sorry, I just, I felt like I needed to say it out loud, and, I needed to share it with you."

While she spoke, he could feel her cold hand, making its way under his white t-shirt. The tip of her fingers forming circular patterns in his chest.

He wanted to tell her that she didn't need to explain herself. That she didn't need to tell him all those things, but he figured that she needed to talk, and he was happy that she felt comfortable enough to share that with him, from all the people, he was glad to be there to listen to her. Even when at the moment, it was becoming difficult to form sentences as the feeling of her skin so close to his was making it impossible for him.

"Amanda… I." His breath caught in his throat at the feel of her hand against his bare chest, her touch leaving a trail of fire over his skin.

Sensing what her touch was doing to his body, she found the courage to voice the thoughts she hadn't dared to speak aloud before. "Nick, I am not sharing this with you because I am ashamed of what happened or because I blame myself. I do know it wasn't my fault, you know? The reason why I'm doing it is because I want to be with you." She said, her words barely audible despite the silence in the room. Tipping her eyes up at him, she looked intently into his eyes. "You won't hurt me, I promise. But tonight, I need you, I want you" Her voice a bit shaky but firm.

She wasn't sure if he had rejected her before only because he was worried about hurting her or because he thought she wasn't worthy, but despite she was risking to be rejected again, she also knew Nick was the only man with whom she wanted and needed to be at the moment.

Nick looked intently into her eyes, he could see the desire and pain written all over them, clear as captions on a screen. All he wanted was to protect her, to help her. He wanted nothing more but to erase what had happened to her, to bring back the spark in her beautiful blue eyes, but, on the other hand, he felt like a total jerk, as he wasn't sure if his body was responding to her touch and closeness, or to his own repressed desire, one that he had tried hard to keep hidden deep down and that, now, it seemed to match the one making its way through her eyes.

Leaning forward, her face inches away from his, her breath fanning his skin, she spoke softly. "Please, Nick," before brushing her lips against his.

Nick did his best to ignore the desire building up inside him, to avoid succumbing into her kiss. He didn't want to hurt her, but the feeling of her soft lips on his was proving to be too much.

"Amanda…" He called her name one last time in a futile attempt to stop what was already in motion. To pull away, to voice again his concerns about this being such a bad idea, but she cut him off capturing his mouth with hers, hungry with desire and pent up passion, pushing him all the way down on the mattress with her body

As her lips moved over his, soft and gentle, like a siren chant dragging him into the sea, he couldn't resist the invitation and he swept his tongue over her lower lip. He heard her gasp when he finally gave in, shutting his eyes before deepening the kiss.

Desperation and self-consciousness had driven her to seduce Nick, in a desperate attempt to erase her captor's touch of her lips and body. But when she felt Nick so close to her, his lips in such intimate contact with hers, other feelings started to invade her body; it wasn't about erasing another man's touch, it was about imprinting her skin with Nick's gentle touch.

Breaking the contact of their lips, Nick moved lower, licking and nibbling along her jaw line. Needing to get her closer, to feel her warm body underneath his, he shifted, rolling her onto her back. Nick looked at her face as if he were appraising a painting as he started unbuttoning her shirt. Trailing wet kisses along her exposed skin.

Closing her eyes, now it was Amanda who couldn't move or think clearly, he couldn't breathe, or do anything else except feel. Amanda took a deep breath as she felt his fingers on her bare skin, her heartbeats speeding with each button that he opened. But, when he was about to pull open the last buttons of her shirt, she suddenly stopped him by covering his hand with hers.

Upon feeling her hand in his, Nick immediately turned his attention back to her face, her eyes wide open in a mix of shame and horror. And it worried him that he might have hurt her. _Was his touch reminding her of her captor?_

"You don't have to". She said, looking away and focusing on trailing kisses along his jaw line instead. She didn't want to break the moment, but she didn't want him to see something that would make him feel uncomfortable.

It took him a few moments to understand her words. Looking down to where her hand was clasped in his, he raised his eyes to meet hers. He considered telling her what he thought about her concerns, instead, he decided to show her exactly how he felt. Looking steadily into her eyes, he entwined his fingers with hers and, with his free hand, he reached out to cup her face, moving it so she could see him straight into his eyes as he opened the remaining buttons and, before shrugging the shirt of her arms, he trailed wet kisses on her abdomen, kissing each and every scar and remaining bruise, paying special attention to the scar on her abdomen, lavishing it, showing her with actions, rather than words, that her scars were never a reason not to want her.

Once he finished, he made his way up to her face and, looking into her eyes once again, he was granted by one of the most beautiful sights, as he saw a film of moisture over her eyes and he could tell that he didn't need to say anything, his actions had been clear. Her eyes were alive with relief and happiness

Amanda felt alive and immensely happy, her heart swelled in such a way that she found hard to draw a breath at the way he had kissed her scarred skin.

"You are so beautiful, Amanda," he whispered in her ear before returning to her face, to capture her lips once again. But it wasn't enough. Biting her lip in anticipation, she tried to help him out of his shirt, but she cursed under her breath when she was unable to.

"Are you dirty talking to me?" He smiled gamely.

Smiling seductively, she shook her head. "I can't lift it". She said, whispering in his ear as she bit at his earlobe, getting a moan out of Nick. Deep down though, she was feeling like an idiot, she was usually the one who liked to take the lead, to be the aggressive one, but she realized that her body was not ready to be the way it used to. Though she hoped that the next time, things would be different. She rolled her eyes, _the next time_… she hadn't even started and she was already thinking about a next time.

Quickly, he took off his shirt and threw it across the room before returning his full Attention to Amanda..

"Make love to me, Nick." She said, nibbling his shoulder blade. "I want to feel your hands on me. I need to feel you inside me."

Nick looked at her, worried that, she was doing this just to forget about what happened to her, he did want to help her, he wanted to be with her, but he was worried that he might end up hurting her more.

Looking intently into his brown depths she hushed him seductively. "Shh... It is not about him, it is about me, it is about _us_," she corrected, before capturing him in a more tender yet full of passion kiss.

Once again, she proved to be able to read him like an open book and that both scared him and intrigued him.

He would make love to her until the remaining pain disappeared from her eyes and was replaced by happy memories of the two of them.

* * *

They were so wrapped in one another that, neither of them noticed that they're being watched from the outside.

Through the window, he could make out their silhouettes rather than any distinguishing figures, but he knew all the same that it was them, his bird and her lover. The curtains playing as a veil that add mysticism and magic to the viewer outside, making him angrier every passing second.

He saw how, at first, they were only kissing. Then, their bodies started moving in an intimate dance, the flowing curtains, casting a unique effect, the silhouettes perfectly defined and he felt the rage bubble inside him.. After all he had risked for her, how could his bird betray him? Clutching the stuffed animal in both hands, he twisted it, pouring all his hatred and rage on the innocent stuffed dog. He felt his head about to explode, his undying love turning into pure hatred.

_How could she do that to him?_

He slapped at his head, rocking back and forth. He should've never let her go. She was a traitor, she had betrayed him.

He saw their bodies dancing the most ancient dance, their body language screaming desire with every move, but he could sense, even from the distance, that such desire was mingled with more feelings, stronger feelings, love even maybe. He didn't know as he had never felt that before, but he knew that what he felt when he saw them was so strong that he couldn't label it. He wasn't sure if it was pure, strong desire or if there was some connection, some love making thrown into the mix, all he knew was that, what happened between his bird and her lover was so strong that he could feel it from the distance.

He knew he should've left after the first time they climaxed together, but he couldn't help staying as each time they kissed or caressed, the way they moved in sync fed his anger even more.

He would kill them, his bird and her lover would join his other victims. But the question was, who he would kill fist? Should he take his time with her while her man watched or the other way around?

"No," rubbing his face, he shook his head, that would be predictable and risky. No, he would get what he wants one way or another. He would let one of them live with the guilt, suffering for its lost love knowing itself responsible for what happened to the other.

As the torn stuffed animal fell from his hands and onto the ground, its fibbers discarded and broken, he walked away from the window. His revenge taking a form in his twisted, jealous mind.

_She_… _They_ were going to pay for this….

_tbc…_


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Thanks so very much to everyone who has read, reviewed, or otherwise enjoyed this story. Your comments have been very important and much appreciated, you really don't know how much :))

Two reviewers mentioned that, Nick's comments to Amanda on the last chapter about her being interested in Winter's money was OCC, **thanks so much for pointing that out as you're totally right,** it is. However, I have to confess that, even when I knew I wanted a big argument to take place between them, there was a moment in which I didn't know how to make it happen, and that 'lame excuse' was the only thing that came to my mind.

Considering everything that had happened, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to post this chapter because my #rollaro muse is agonizing… Fortunately, I found some inspiration in some of my favourite #svu episodes (S13-S15).

I don't know exactly when I'll post the next ud, what I do know is that I want to finish this story before 16X08 comes around, as something is telling me that this epi will be crucial for my muse and future inspiration and I don't want it to interfere with the outcome of this story.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of L&O:SVU or its characters. If I did, things would be slightly different.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Amanda was woken up by soft sounds of morning and the bright rays of sunlight that filtered through the partially uncovered windows of the bedroom. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes, blinking slowly in an attempt to shake the remnants of sleep from her eyes.

Rolling over on the bed, and looked around, trying to make sense where she was. Pushing herself up on her elbows, she felt the sheets were cool against her bare skin.

A broad, satisfied smile caressed her features as she sank against the pillow, letting out a puff of air. She knew perfectly well where she was as memories of what happened last night and earlier this morning came to her mind. Closing her eyes, it didn't take her long to remember how she had ended up in this bedroom.

What she started out as a quest to get her confidence back, turned into one of the best experiences that had ever happened to her. She felt sore in all the right places, happy and content, as all her insecurities have disappeared, Nick has made them disappear.

She had had her fair share of partners, but it had never been anything like last night with any of them. Despite it was the very first time she and Nick were together, it didn't feel awkward at all. Nick had been so nice and sweet, but passionate at the same time. He'd been so careful and mindful of her feelings, letting her know through his actions how much he cared and that, had made her heart swell with love, before, during and after what happened and even now, as she felt the remnants of it in her heart and body, she was finding hard to breathe. Nobody has ever been so sweet to her. Even when the idea of Nick making love to her just because she practically begged him didn't set well with her, she was grateful that he had complied. Though she felt the need of talking to him. But she'll do that later, as of now, she wanted to relish on the bliss of having enjoyed one of the best, if not the very best nights of her entire life.

The smell of coffee brewing and pancakes made her change her mind about staying in bed longer. Her stomach protested as she hadn't had anything to eat since lunchtime on the previous day.

Stirring slightly, she put her arms above her head, she noticed the covers sliding over her body and she smiled, knowing that it was Nick who tucked her in as she was damn sure her body wasn't covered when she fell asleep just a couple of hours ago.

Nick had been so passionate, yet considerate. No one has ever treated her with so much delicacy ever before. Nick seemed to exactly what to do and how to do it. What to avoid and what was okay to explore further just by looking into her yes, by sensing how her body responded to his touch.

Closing her eyes, she did her very best to force her body to remember the events of the previous night as she didn't want for her mind to be the only one to remember it, she wanted to feel it in her body, she wanted the memories to be absorbed through her pores and reach her soul. She wanted to make sure that her time with Nick was imprinted in her forever.

Wrapping the sheet around her body, she made her way into the bathroom. She would've loved to take a shower, but her toiletries were in Zara's bedroom, so instead, she splashed some cool water on her face and combed her hair a little before grabbing Nick's towel robe and putting it on before making her way into the kitchen, where the delicious smell was coming from, to find Nick.

Leaning casually against the door frame, she looked at Nick from behind while he made breakfast before making her presence evident. "Good morning", she finally said in a soft voice.

Turning his attention to her, a cloth on his shoulder, he answered, a smile on his lips. "Mornin', how're you feelin'?" Nick asked.

"Amazing!" she answered with a broad smile on her face, letting him know through her eyes and body language that it was him the reason why she felt so great.

Smiling back at her, he asked her, a stirring spoon in his hand, "would you like something for breakfast, pancakes are almost ready"

"Sure, I'm starving" she said, turning around and taking a seat at the breakfast table.

Just then, Nick placed a plate with pancakes, fruit and a mug of freshly brewed coffee in front of her.

"Thanks," she said, turning to look at him and brushing her hand over his shoulder gently before he took a seat opposite to her.

Taking a bite of her breakfast, she closed her eyes to fully enjoy it, the food was delicious. Nick wasn't just an amazing friend, partner and lover, but also an excellent cook.

"You like it?" he asked, looking intently at her.

"I do." She nodded enthusiastically.

"Good!" he offered her a tight, yet proud smile.

"Why pancakes?" Amanda asked casually as she took another mouthful of breakfast.

"Zara's favourite."

"I see", the smile faded from Amanda's face, which didn't go unnoticed by Nick.

"What's up?"

"Nothing, it's just that…" she trailed off as she started playing with her food instead of eating it the way she had seconds before. "Why, Nick?" she asked, turning to face him.

"Huh?" His face surprised as he didn't understand Amanda's question.

"Why did you waste a weekend with Zara to follow me to NJ?" She asked him, moving her hands in front of her the way she always did when she wasn't sure how to say something.

"You still mad?" He asked carefully, as he wiped the corner of his mouth with the napkin.

"No, it's not that" She hurried to ease his concern. "On the contrary, I'm flattered, I'm just wondering why you did it?"

Nick gave her a pointed look, as if the reason was obvious, still, he put his fork down and proceeded to answer her question. "I made a mistake once, twice actually. First, when I knew somethin' was wrong with you and yet, I didn't do anythin' about it; and then, when I didn't try my best to find out what was goin' on even when deep down I felt that the vacation time you asked Liv for, didn't make sense. I got the same feelin' about your trip with the good doctor so I decided to 'tag along', you know." He shrugged casually. "Zara is fine, I spoke to her and we agreed to spend the next weekend together. She was ecstatic about the idea, cuz we'll spend more time together. I'm planning to take Friday off, so we'll spend three days in a row, instead of just two. It was a win-win situation." Nick finished, winking at her before taking the fork and continue with his breakfast.

"Winters was not a threat, though," she said in deep thought.

They both fell in comfortable silence while they continue enjoying their breakfast, before Nick broke it with a question that had been bothering him since last night.

"Did you find the answers you were lookin' for?"

"Not quite, actually, Winters didn't answer any of my questions. He did let me talk though, which I think is what shrinks do." She shrugged her shoulders.

"But that's not what you wanted" Nick stated.

"No," she shook her head, a few strands of hair falling to her face.

"We can call'im in for questionin' ya' know?" Nick said casually as he continued eating.

"On what grounds? He's not a suspect, plus, he's talked to Liv already, remember?" She said, pointing a Nick with the fork in her hand.

"I do, but I wasn't thinkin' about bringin' him as a potential suspect, but as our expert. This way, he'll be compelled to answer Fin's and my questions. We won't call him to talk about you, but about the case. Maybe this way, he'll be willin' to talk to us and share his insights about the perp."

"Makes sense." She said, thinking about Nick's plan.

"Nice you approve. Tomorrow we'll call him, then." A smile of satisfaction on his face.

"Thanks"

"For what?"

"For helping me, for being here every step of the way"

"Anytime" he said, stretching his hand over the table to take her smaller one in his.

They remained in that position for a while, looking intently into each others eyes, a smile on their lips that reached their entire faces, happiness radiating from them.

"What would you like to do after breakfast, would you like to go for a walk or to pick up Frannie?"

"Nah," she shook her head.

"Thought you missed the girl" Nick turned to look at her, a bit confused by her lack of enthusiasm about bringing her furry girl back.

"I do! But I don't want to face Fin, not today anyway"

Nick gave her a look, his crease furrowed in confusion.

"He'll notice something is up," she said, looking at her hands now folded on her lap, "and I don't want to tell him anything, or to give him explanations of why I'm not moving to his place tomorrow as I said I would." She finished, the last sentence spoken into the floor in an attempt to muffle the sound of her voice, making it unintelligible in case Nick didn't understand the insinuation.

"You're not?" He asked, lifting one brow, a playful smile on his lips.

She turned to look at him through her bangs and, without breaking eye contact, she shook her head slowly. "Unless you want me to, that is"

"I never said I wanted you to leave"

"Good. There's something I want to do, though" She added, a hint of anticipation in her voice.

"What is it?" He asked her, his voice laced with mild concern.

"I'd love to take a bath", she said, biting at her lower lip.

Nick nodded his head, not understanding why she was so shy about that admission. "Go ahead, I'll wash the dishes in the meantime".

Rolling her eyes to herself, Amanda elaborated as it was obvious Nick wasn't getting the message.

"Actually, I'd need some help, you know? She raised her gaze to meet his once again.

Nick gave her a puzzled look, _why would she need help?_ She'd taken at least two showers already without assistance, thinking hard, his eyes grew wide, maybe he'd hurt her last night and she didn't want to admit it.

"Oh God, Amanda did I…?" Nick asked, his eyes filled with concern.

She shook her head, "you didn't, on the contrary." She assured him.

Cocking his head to the side, he parted his lips as realization hit him. And sharing with her a sultry smile, he said, "anythin' that you need."

They spent most of the day in the bath, re-enacting what had happened the night before, and just like the last times, Nick cherished Amanda and showed her just how special she was.

When they finished, they ordered pizza and spent the day watching movies and enjoying each other's company.

* * *

The next day, Nick and Amanda arrived early to the station, a hint of freshness and happiness in them, which didn't go unnoticed by Fin.

"Hey you two, I waited for your call yesterday" Fin said, looking at Amanda.

"I know, I'm sorry, Fin, I was so tired, that I preferred to stay home."

"I bet the trip to New Jersey was pretty good" Fin said, winking at her. "So, you're movin' today? Fin asked when he didn't get a response from Amanda to his previous comment.

"Actually, I'm not. But, I'll be picking up Frannie tonight after my GA meeting, if it's okay with you." She answered, doing her best to avoid eye contact.

"Wait," came Nick's voice from behind her, "are you goin' to a meeting this afternoon?"

Turning to face Nick, Amanda nodded her head. "If the Sergeant approves it, I am." She said, a tight smile on her lips. For a second she felt bad that she hadn't mentioned it to him before, but with everything that happened, it totally slipped her mind. To her surprise, Nick smiled back, nodding his head slightly, letting her know that he understood.

"And what about you, how was your trip to Washington?" Fin asked, eyeing Nick suspiciously. Something was not adding up in the Senior's detective head.

"I didn't go. Somethin' came up and we had to rain check until next weekend" Nock answered as if it was the most natural answer in the world.

"I see." Fin said, leaning against the backrest of his chair while playing with the pencil in his hands. He could sense something was up with his younger colleagues. The last time he'd seen them, they were fighting like cats and dogs and now, they seemed to be comfortable around each other, they looked relaxed and in good terms, which is why he decided to let it go and save his questions and suspicions for later.

"Fin, I was thinking and, maybe it'd be a good idea to call Dr. Winters" Nick said, as he saw Amanda walking towards Olivia's office, bringing Fin back from his thoughts.

"What for?" Fin's brows furrowed in confusion. "You still suspect of him?"

Nick offered Fin a tight smile, confirming the older detective's suspicions. "Not quite," Nick grimaced, looking away from Fin's scrutinizing glare, "it's just that, I think he might be useful to find, or at least track down the trash who hurt Rollins."

"How so?"

"Well, he's a shrink, so he might be able to tell us somethin' about this scumbag, something that we haven't seen."

"Yeah, you might have a point".

* * *

The day passed by fairly quickly. The tension of the previous days had disappeared, which made the work environment much more enjoyable.

Looking at her watch, Amanda realized it was almost time for her meeting, so she closed her lap top, and made her way into the bunks to get ready to leave.

As soon as Nick saw that Fin was distracted with a phone call, he followed her casually, trying not to attract unwanted attention from the other detectives in the station.

Slipping into the bunks, Nick caught Amanda pulling her hair into a pony tail and he smiled, noticing that some of her lost confidence was now back.

"So, are you goin' to your meetin'?"

"Yeah," she turned to him, a smile on her lips.

"At what time does it end"?

"Around seven, why?"

"I'd like to pick you up."

"Nick…"

Holding his hands up, he took a few steps closer to her. "Please, Amanda. Just want to make sure you're safe."

Looking into his beautiful chocolate eyes, she noticed the concern in them and she couldn't help but to feel happy, as she understood that he wasn't trying to control her, just to protect her and to be true to his word, and once again, she felt cherished.

Placing a hand on his chest, she smiled softly, "kay."

"Ill take my car." He said as she passed by him on her way out.

Turning around to face him, she shot a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure no one was coming before she stood on her toes and gave Nick a quick kiss on the lips.

"See you later." She said, rubbing her nose slightly against his before pulling away, leaving Nick with a grin on his face.

* * *

At 6:30, Nick stopped his work and got ready to leave.

"I'm picking up Rollins, is it okay if we swing by your place a bit later?" Putting on his coat, he asked Fin.

"Sure." Answered Fin a bit absent minded as his attention was still fixed on the email he was sending.

"See ya!'" He said, his attention fixed on his iPhone as he texted Amanda to let her know he was on his way.

Making his way into the parking lot to pick up his car, Nick stopped in his tracks as he looked from one side to another, a bubble of panic building up in his stomach.

* * *

Amanda felt happy when her meeting was finally over. It had been a good one and, even when the people she'd met seemed to be nice, she didn't feel like sharing much with them just yet. But the fact that she was able to find a new group and to actually be able to sit in front of new people, without panicking spoke volumes of the progress she was making. She was really happy to have some of the her lost control back.

Walking out from the building, she felt the cool air on her face and she tightened her coat around her body as she spotted Nick's car parked across the street. Making sure there were no cars coming in either direction, she crossed the street and got into the car. She closed the door just before she turned to greet Nick, but her eyes went wide as she noticed the guy in the driver's seat was not Nick.

"Hello, Mandy!" The man said before Amanda could fully process what was going on. "It's been a long time, isn't it?"

Turning around to open the door, she realized that the car handle wasn't working as she felt panic invade her body.

She tried to get her cell phone out of her pocket, but the minute she did, her captor snatched it from her hand in one swift move.

"Uh-uh, you don't want to do that, my bird"

"This is Nick's car, what did you do to him?" Amanda asked in a broken voice as she realized that, she was far more worried about Nick's welfare than her own.

"Oh, your lover, don't you worry about him, Mandy, either way, you won't be seeing him ever again." He answered in a hollow voice just as she felt a sting in her arm. Looking down, she noticed the needle stuck in her wrist.

In a final attempt to escape her captor, she tried to roll down the car window to ask for help, but he pushed her hard against the glass, making her head collide against the window. But she didn't feel any pain, as all she could feel was how her body became increasingly numb from the substance he had injected her with. As she felt her heartbeats falter and numbness overcame her entire body, all she could think about was Nick, and the brief happiness she's been granted to share with him.

_tbc…_


End file.
